Her Grace. “TO-NIGHT NEARLY ALL THE LADIES ARE ENGLISH, COUNT, AND THE GENTLEMEN ARE MOSTLY FOREIGN, AS IT HAPPENS!”]

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READING THE STARS A LA MODE.

(EXTRACT FROM THE NOTE-BOOK OF THE SECRETARY OF THE EARTH AND MARS INTERCOMMUNICATION COMPANY, LIMITED.)

August 10, 1899.—­Open this book just to jot down briefly the results of our efforts to hold a conversation with the people living in the adjacent planet.  Get a better notion by this means of what we are doing than the minutes can afford.  Shall leave this book as an heirloom to my successors in office.  In 1892, when we were last nearest Mars (only at a distance of 35,000,000 miles or thereabouts), we came to the conclusion that the Marsians were trying to speak to us.  They seemed to be making signals.  With the assistance of our new telescope (six times as powerful as that of seven years ago), we made out what we took to be at first an old man waving a white hat.  On more careful inspection, found that the old man was a volcano in a state of eruption.  White hat evidently the smoke.  Could distinctly locate the ocean.  Unable to discover more, as the planet went off for another seven years’ cruise.

August 10, 1906.—­Jot down, in compliance with the wishes of my predecessor, the transactions of the Company.  By the way, my new berth is a very pleasant one.  Have nothing to do except every seven years, when we all have to watch Mars like anything.  This time we have a first-class telescope.  Fifty times as powerful as the one of seven years ago.  Can count the hairs on a man’s head at ten miles’ distance.  Mars seems quite close to us.  There is a first-class hotel on one of the mountains, and apparently a very good paper, which by the way (like everything else on the planet), is red.  Distinctly made out a man in a boat.  Could not attract his attention.  Stupid donkey!  Have to wait for another seven years.

August 10, 1913.—­Again ready.  Better telescope than one in use seven years ago.  Find we can now read the Marsian newspapers.  They are written in same language as our own.  Nothing in them worth quoting.  Evidently “silly season” over there as well as here.  Account of the Sea Serpent.  Let off patent sky-shattering rockets, but the inhabitants of the adjacent planet failed to observe them.  They have arranged bonfires in geometrical order, so far as we can understand it, as a signal (if it is one); they seem to wish to observe something like “Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay.”  Interesting.  Popular song of fourteen years ago just reached our nearest neighbour in the Solar System.  Cannot observe more, as the planet is off for another seven years.