August 10, 1920.—­We ought to do something this time.  Improved telescope; can see everything.  So excellent that we can almost hear the Marsians talking, Great advance, too, in through-space-hurling machinery.  We applied this new power to a pea-shooter, and, at the first shot, was sufficiently fortunate to hit a Marsian policeman on the nose.  He first arrested an innocent person for the assault, but, on our repeating the signal, he looked up, and shook his fist at the Earth.  Eventually he traced the source of the pea-shooting.  They then began to watch our signals.  They were just about to reply when we started off for another seven years.

August 10, 1927.—­I take up my predecessor’s book to continue these observations.  Deeply interested to see if the inhabitants of the neighbouring planet would remember the date, and be on the look out for us.  Yes, there they were.  We have just signalled “How are you?” But it has received, as yet, no reply.  The Marsians seem to be signalling, but not in our direction.  We have just tried another message, “Good morning; do you use soap?” Ah, this has woke them up!  They do understand us.  They have replied, “Don’t be rude.”  We are greatly encouraged by this, and have signalled “The planet Mars, we believe?” This has elicited no response.  Strange!  We have begged for a reply, and it has just come.  Here it is:—­“Don’t bother; can’t attend to you just now.  We are talking with the planet Jupiter.”  Time up!  Off for another seven years!

August 10, 1934.—­Just one line to add to the other communications of my predecessors.  The Earth and Mars Intercommunication Company, Limited, has been merged into the London, Jupiter, Venus, Mars, and North Saturn Aerial Railway Company.  During the present near approach of Mars to the Earth, an excursion electric air-torpedo train will leave the Victoria Station for Pars the Capital of Mars.  The excursion will be personally conducted by Baron COOK of Ludgate Circus.  Return tickets, Second Class, L1,000; First Class (with hotel coupons), Half an ounce of coal.

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[Illustration:  “WILL THEY WORK?”

LORD ROSEBERY (aside to McHARCOURT, the Gillie).  “WONDER WHAT SORT
OF A BAG HE’LL MAKE—­OVER THOSE DOGS!!”]

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HOW IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN SETTLED.

(SUPPLEMENTARY AND IMAGINARY DESPATCH NOT YET RECEIVED AT THE FOREIGN OFFICE.)

It will be remembered that I had the honour to report that amongst my suite I had the pleasure to be accompanied by Herr VON POPOFF, the celebrated Germano-Russian prestidigitateur.  When I received a despatch from the Foreign Office informing me that I was premature in destroying the Draft Treaty, although that Draft Treaty contained provisions that were entirely different to those which the Sultan had already at the time accepted and promised to sign, I made up my mind to return to His Sheriffian Majesty with a view to setting things right.  I considered it advisable to be accompanied by Herr VON POPOFF, as I counted upon that eminent conjuror’s valuable aid to assist me in carrying out what I venture to submit, was my praiseworthy object.