“Justice is all a poor criminal asks f’r, an’ that’s what he gets.  He don’t desarve a anny betther.  ‘Tis like askin’ on’y f’r a pair iv dooces in a car-d game an’ havin to bet thim.  If I done wrong I’d say:  ’Don’t deal me anny justice.  Keep it f’r thim that wants it.  Undher th’ circumstances all I ask is a gr-reat deal iv injustice an’ much mercy.  I do not ask to be acquitted be a jury iv me peers.  I am a modest man an’ I’ll accipt me freedom fr’m th’ humblest bailiff in th’ land.  I do not care to come triumphant out iv this ordeel an’ repoort other cases f’r th’ newspa-apers.  All I ask is a block’s start an’ some wan holdin’ th’ polisman’s coattails.  I waive me right to be thried be an incorruptible, fair, an’ onprejudiced Judge.  Give me wan that’s onfair an’ prejudiced an’ that ye can slip somethin’ to.

“No, sir, whin a man’s broke an’ does something wrong, th’ on’y temple iv justice he ought to get into is a freight car goin’ West.  Don’t niver thrust that there tough-lookin’ lady with th’ soord in her hand an’ th’ handkerchief over her eyes.  She may be blind, though I’ve seen thriles where she raised th’ bandage an’ winked at th’ aujence—­she may be blind, but ‘tis th’ fine sinse iv touch she has, an’ if ye vinture into her lodgins an’ she goes through ye’er pockets an’ finds on’y th’ pawnticket f’r th’ watch ye stole off Hogan, she locks th’ dure, takes off th’ handkerchief, an’ goes at ye with th’ soord.

“But suppose ye have a little iv th’ useful with ye.  Ye br-reak into Hogan’s house some night sufferin’ fr’m an incontrollable impulse to take his watch.  Don’t get mad, now.  I’m on’y supposin’ all this.  Ye wudden’t take his watch.  He has no watch.  Well, he’s sound asleep.  Ye give him a good crack on th’ head so he won’t be disturbed, an’ hook th’ clock fr’m undher th’ pillow.  Th’ next day ye’re arristed.  Th’ pa-apers comes out with th’ news:  ’Haughty sign iv wealthy fam’ly steals watch fr’m awful Hogan.  Full account iv dhreadful career iv th’ victim.  Unwritten law to be invoked,’ an’ there’s an article to show that anny wan has a right to take Hogan’s watch, that he was not a proper man to have th’ care iv a watch, annyhow, an’ that ye done well to hook it.  This is always th’ first step to’rd securin’ cold justice f’r th’ rich.  Ye’re next ilicted a mimber iv nearly all th’ ministers’ assocyations, an’ finally, in ordher that th’ law may be enfoorced without regard to persons, an expert witness is hired f’r ye.

“Th’ thrile begins.  Ye walk in with a quick, nervous sthride an’ set th’ watch be th’ coort clock.  ‘Ar-re ye guilty or not guilty?’ says th’ clerk.  ‘Guilty an’ glad iv it,’ says ye’er lawyer amid cheers an’ hisses.  ‘Have ye th’ watch with ye?’ says th’ coort.  ‘I have,’ says th’ pris’ner, smilin’ in his peculiar way.  ‘Lave me look at it,’ says th’ coort.  ‘I will not,’ says the pris’ner, puttin’ it back into his pocket.  ‘How ar-re ye goin’ to defind this crook?’ says th’