f’r th’ care iv money they’d be in betther surroundings, but whin Jawn thries to carry thim off I raise a cry iv ‘Polis,’ a mob iv people that niver had a dollar iv their own an’ niver will have wan, pounce on th’ misguided man, th’ polis pinch him, an’ th’ governmint condemns th’ institution an’ lets out th’ inmates an’ a good manny iv thim go to th’bad.”

“D’ye think he’ll iver sarve out his fine?” asked Mr. Hennessy.

“I don’t know,” said Mr. Dooley.  “But if he does, whin he comes out at the end iv a hundhred an fifty-eight thousand years he’ll find a great manny changes in men’s hats an’ th’ means iv transportation but not much in annything else.  He may find flyin’ machines, though it’ll be arly f’r thim, but he’ll see a good manny people still walkin’ to their wurruk.”

EXPERT TESTIMONY

“What’s an expert witness?” asked Mr. Hennessy.

“An expert witness,” said Mr. Dooley, “is a doctor that thinks a man must be crazy to be rich.  That’s thrue iv most iv us, but these doctors don’t mean it th’ way I do.  Their theery is that annything th’ rich do that ye want to do an’ don’t do is looney.  As between two men with money, th’ wan with most money is craziest.  If ye want a diploma f’r sanity, Hinnissy, th’ on’y chance ye have iv gettin’ it is to commit a crime an’ file an invintory iv ye’er estate with th’ coort.  Ye’ll get a certy-ficate iv sanity that ye’ll be able to show with pride whin ye’re let out iv Joliet.

“In th’ old days if a man kilt another man he took three jumps fr’m th’ scene iv th’ disaster to th’ north corrydor iv th’ County Jail.  That still goes f’r th’ poor man.  No wan has thried to rob him iv th’ privilege won f’r him be his ancestors iv bein’ quickly an’ completely hanged.  A photygraph iv him is took without a collar, he’s yanked befure an awful coort iv justice, a deef-mute lawyer is appinted to look afther his inthrests an’ see that they don’t suffer be bein’ kept in th’ stuffy atmosphere iv th’ coortroom, th’ State’s attorney presints a handsome pitcher iv him as a fiend in human form, th’ judge insthructs th’ jury iv onprejudiced jurors in a hurry to get home that they ar-re th’ sole judges iv th’ law an’ th’ fact, th’ law bein’ that he ought to be hanged an’ th’ fact bein’ that he will be hanged, an’ befure our proletory frind comes out iv his thrance he’s havin’ his first thorough fill-up iv ham an’ eggs, an’ th’ clargy ar-re showin’ an amount iv inthrest in him that must be surprisin’ to a man iv his humble station.

“A few days later I r-read in th’ pa-apers in a column called ’Brief News Jottings,’ just below a paragraph about th’ meetin’ iv th’ Dairyman’s Assocyation, an account iv how justice has pursooed her grim coorse in th’ case iv John Adamowski.  An’ I’m thankful to know that th’ law has been avinged, that life an’ property again ar-re safe in our fair land iv freedom, an’ that th’ wretched criminal lived long enough to get all he wanted to eat.