“What other nicissities, says ye?  Well, there’s sea moss.  That’s a good thing.  Ivry poor man will apprecyate havin’ sea moss to stir in his tea.  Newspapers, nuts, an’ nux vomica ar-re free.  Ye can take th’ London Times now.  But that ain’t all by anny means.  They’ve removed th’ jooty on Pulu.  I didn’t think they’d go that far, but in spite iv th’ protests iv th’ Pulu foundhries iv Sheboygan they ruthlessly sthruck it fr’m th’ list iv jootyable articles.  Ye know what Pulu is, iv coorse, an’ I’m sure ye’ll be glad to know that this refreshin’ bev’rage or soap is on th’ free list.  Sinitor Root in behalf iv th’ pulu growers iv New York objicted, but Sinitor Aldhrich was firm.  ‘No, sir,’ he says, ’we must not tax annything that enters into th’ daily life iv th’ poor,’ he says.  ‘While not a dhrinkin’ man mesilf, I am no bigot, an’ I wud not deny anny artisan his scuttle iv pulu,’ he says.  So pulu was put on th’ free list, an’ iv coorse Zapper an’ Alazarin had to go on, too, as it is on’y be addin’ thim to pulu that ye can make axle-grease.

“There was a gr-reat sthruggle over can-nary bur-rd seed.  Riprisintatives iv th’ Chicago packers insisted that in time canary bur-rds cud be taught to eat pork chops.  Manny sinitors thought that th’ next step wud be to take th’ duty off cuttle fish bone, an’ thus sthrike a blow at th’ very heart iv our protictive system.  But Sinitor Tillman, who is a gr-reat frind iv th’ canary bur-rd an’ is niver seen without wan perched on his wrist, which he has taught to swear, put up a gallant fight f’r his protegees, an’ thousands iv canary bur-rds sang with a lighter heart that night.  Canary bur-rd seed will be very cheap this year, an’ anny American wurrukin’ man needn’t go to bed hungry.  There ought to be some way iv teachin’ their wives how to cook it.  It wud make a nourishin’ dish whin ye have whetted ye’er face on a piece iv cuttle fish bone.  I’m sure th’ raison American wurrukin’ men don’t hop around an’ sing over their wurruk is because they are improperly fed.

“Yes, sir, canary bur-rd seed is free.  What else?  Lookin’ down th’ list I see that divvy-divvy is free also.  This was let in as a compliment to Sinitor Aldhrich.  It’s his motto.  Be th’ inthraduction iv this harmless dhrug into th’ discussion he’s been able to get a bill through that’s satisfacthry to ivrywan.  But I am surprised to see that spunk is on th’ free list.  Is our spunk industhree dead?  Is there no pathrite to demand that we be proticted against th’ pauper spunk iv Europe?  Maybe me frind Willum Taft had it put on th’ free list.  I see in a pa-aper th’ other day that what was needed at th’ White house was a little more spunk.  But does he have to import it fr’m abroad, I ask ye?  Isn’t there enough American spunk?