this vulgar upstart that he can’t humilyate his fellow citizens be goin’ around dhressed up like an Asyatic fav’rite iv th’ Impror Neero, be Hivens.  How will we get at him?’ says he.  ’We’ll put a tax iv sixty per cent. on ready made clothin’ costin’ less thin ten dollars a suit.  That’ll teach him to squander money wrung fr’m Jawn D. Rockyfellar in th’ Roo dilly Pay.  We’ll go further thin that.  We’ll put a tax iv forty per cent. on knitted undherwear costin’ less thin a dollar twinty-five a dozen.  We’ll make a specyal assault on woolen socks an’ cowhide shoes.  We’ll make an example iv this here pampered babe iv fortune,’ says he.

“An’ there it is.  Ye haven’t got a thing on ye’er back excipt ye’er skin—­an’ that may be there; I haven’t got as far as th’ hide schedule yet—­that ain’t mentioned in this here boolwark iv our liberties.  It’s ye’er own fault.  If ye will persist in wearin’ those gee-gaws ye’ll have to pay f’r thim.  If ye will go on decoratin’ ye’er house with shingles an’ paint an’ puttin’ paper on th’ walls an’ adornin’ th’ inside iv it with ye’er barbaric taste f’r eight day clocks, cane bottom chairs an’ karosene lamps, ye’ve got to settle, that’s all.  Ye’ve flaunted ye’er wealth too long in th’ face iv a sturdy people.

“Ye’d think th’ way such as ye talk that ivrything is taxed.  It ain’t so.  ‘Tis an insult to th’ pathritism iv Congress to say so.  Th’ Republican party, with a good deal iv assistance fr’m th’ pathriotic Dimmycrats, has been thrue to its promises.  Look at th’ free list, if ye don’t believe it.  Practically ivrything nicissry to existence comes in free.  What, f’r example, says ye?  I’ll look.  Here it is.  Curling stones.  There, I told ye.  Curling stones are free.  Ye’ll be able to buy all ye’ll need this summer f’r practically nawthin’.  No more will ladies comin’ into this counthry have to conceal curling stones in their stockin’s to avoid th’ iniquitous customs.

“What else?  Well, teeth.  Here it is in th’ bill:  ‘Teeth free iv jooty.’  Undher th’ Dingley bill they were heavily taxed.  Onless ye cud prove that they had cost ye less thin a hundhred dollars, or that ye had worn thim f’r two years in Europe, or that ye were bringin’ thim in f’r scientific purposes or to give a museem, there was an enormous jooty on teeth.  Th’ Governmint used to sind profissyonal humorists down to th’ docks to catch th’ teeth smugglers.  But fr’m now on ye can flaunt ye’er teeth in th’ face iv anny inspictor.  Ye don’t have to declare thim.  Ye don’t have to put thim in th’ bottom iv ye’er thrunk.  Ye don’t have to have thim chalked or labelled befure ye get off th’ dock.  Ye don’t have to hand a five to th’ inspictor an’ whisper:  ’I’ve got a few bicuspids that I picked up while abroad.  Be a good fellow an’ let me through.’  No, sir, teeth are free.