“Well, sir, there are a few iv th’ things that are on th’ free list.  But there are others, mind ye.  Here’s some iv thim:  Apatite, hog bristles, wurruks iv art more thin twinty years old, kelp, marshmallows, life boats, silk worm eggs, stilts, skeletons, turtles, an’ leeches.  Th’ new tariff bill puts these familyar commodyties within th’ reach iv all.  But there’s a bigger surprise waitin’ for ye.  What d’ye think ends th’ free list?  I’ll give ye twinty chances an’ ye’ll niver guess.  Blankets?  No.  Sugar?  Wrong.  Flannel shirts?  Thry to be a little practical, Hinnissy.  Sinitor Aldhrich ain’t no majician.  Well, I might as well tell ye if ye’re sure ye’er heart is sthrong an’ ye can stand a joyful surprise.  Ar-re ye ready?  Well, thin, joss sticks an’ opyum f’r smokin’ ar-re on th’ free list!  If they ain’t I’m a Chinyman an’ if they are I’ll be wan pretty soon.

“How often have I envied Hop Lung whin I see him burnin’ his priceless joss sticks.  How often have I seen him lyin’ on top iv me week’s washin’ pullin’ away at th’ savry rooster brand an’ dhreamin’ he was th’ Impror iv Chiny, while I’ve had to contint mesilf with a stogy that give me a headache!  But that day is passed.  Me good an’ great frind fr’m Rhode Island has made me th’ akel iv anny Chink that iver rolled a pill.  Th’ tariff bill wudden’t be complete without that there item.  But it ought to read:  ‘Opyum f’r smokin’ while readin’ th’ tariff bill.’  Ye can take this sterlin’ piece iv lithrachoor to a bunk with ye an’ light a ball iv hop.  Befure ye smoke up p’raps ye can’t see where th’ tariff has been rejooced.  But afther ye’ve had a long dhraw it all becomes clear to ye.  Ye’er worries about th’ childhren’s shoes disappear an’ ye see ye’ersilf floatin’ over a purple sea iv alazarin, in ye’er private yacht, lulled be th’ London Times, surrounded be wurruks iv art more thin twinty years old, atin’ marshmallows an’ canary bur-rd seed, while th’ turtles an’ leeches frisk on th’ binnacle.

“Well, sir, if nobody else has read th’ debates on th’ tariff bill, I have.  An’ I’ll tell ye, Hinnissy, that no such orathry has been heerd in Congress since Dan’l Webster’s day, if thin.  Th’ walls iv Congress hall has resounded with th’ loftiest sintimints.  Hinnery Cabin Lodge in accents that wud melt th’ heart iv th’ coldest mannyfacthrer iv button shoes has pleaded f’r freedom f’r th’ skins iv cows.  I’m sorry to say that this appeal fr’m th’ cradle iv our liberties wasn’t succissful.  Th’ hide iv th’ pauperized kine iv Europe will have to cough up at th’ custom house befure they can be convarted into brogans.  This pathriotic result was secured be th’ gallant Bailey iv Texas.  A fine lib’ral minded fellow, that lad Bailey.  He’s an ardint free thrader, mind ye.  He’s almost a slave to th’ historic principles iv th’ Dimmycratic party.  Ye bet he is.  But he’s no blamed bigot.  He can have principles an’ he can lave thim alone.  An’ I want to tell ye, me frind, that whin it comes to disthributin’ th’ honors f’r this reform iv th’ tariff, don’t ye fail to throw a few flowers, or, if bricks are handier, bricks at th’ riprisintatives iv our small but gallant party.  It was a fine thing to see thim standin’ be th’ battle cry iv our grand old organyzation.