HEAD
I saw be the papers last night that the Royal Irish
Constabulary are the finest in the world.

SERGEANT
Sure every one knows that!

HEAD
I wonder what kind are all the others?

SERGEANT
That’s what I’d like to know.

MRS. COTTER (at door)
Will I bring them up to the sittin’-room, gentlemen?

HEAD
We’re first class as we are, ma’am.

[Mrs. Cotter hands the glasses and a loud knock is heard at the door.

MRS. COTTER
Who’s there?

VOICE
Police!

HEAD
’Tis the constable!

SERGEANT
The bla’gard surely!

HEAD
What’ll we do?

SERGEANT
Take the drinks first, an’ consider after.

[They finish drinks and hand back the glasses to Mrs. Cotter.

HEAD I suppose we had better hide in the coal hole.  He has a better nose than yourself, an’ one word from him to the Inspector would soon deprive us o’ both stripes an’ pensions.

SERGEANT
I suppose the coal hole is the best place, though it
does offend me dignity to go there.

HEAD
Wisha, bad luck to you an’ ye’r dignity.  Come on
here!

[The Head enters, and the Sergeant follows.  Mrs. Cotter opens the street door and the Constable enters.

CONSTABLE (sarcastically)
Thanks very much for openin’ the door, ma’am.

MRS. COTTER
I’m sorry for keepin’ you waitin’, Constable.  I was
sayin’ me prayers up-stairs before goin’ to bed.

CONSTABLE
If I had known that, I wouldn’t have disturbed you. 
I hope you said one for me.

MRS. COTTER
Of course I did.  I always ses a prayer for the police.

CONSTABLE An’ right too, ma’am, for ’tis little time we have for prayin’.  There’s no rest for a man once he joins the Force.  Whin y’re not kept busy thinkin’ o’ one thing, y’re kept busy thinkin’ o’ somethin’ else.

MRS. COTTER
Thinkin’ is worse than workin’.

CONSTABLE A hundred times. (Looking at his watch) ’Tis a long time since first Mass this mornin’.  Saturday!  Sunday!  Monday!  ’Tis all the same whin y’re in the Force.  On y’er feet all day, an’ kep’ awake be the childer all night.  An’ whin pay day comes, all y’er hard earnin’s goes to keep the wolf from the door.

MRS. COTTER
God help us!

CONSTABLE
Say what ye will, but life is an awful bother.

MRS. COTTER
We must go through it.

CONSTABLE Well, ’tis a good job we don’t live as long as the alligators.  We might have to support our grandchilder if we did, an’ I may tell you it gives me enough to do to support me own.

MRS. COTTER
How many have you now, Constable?

CONSTABLE
Seven, an’ the wife’s mother.

MRS. COTTER
I thought she was dead.

CONSTABLE (disgusted)
Dead!  There’s five years more in her!