MRS. COTTER
You seem to be in a very bad humor to-night.

CONSTABLE
An’ why not?  When I have to put up with that
bla’gard of a Sergeant—­not to mention the Head-constable!

MRS. COTTER
We all have our troubles.

CONSTABLE Some of us get more than our share.  An’ ’tis far from troublin’ a dacent woman like you I’d be, only for the Sergeant, ma’am.

MRS. COTTER
Excuse me, Constable.  I can’t keep me eyes open
with the sleep.

CONSTABLE I’m sorry for troublin’ you.  But duty is duty, an’ it must be done whether we give offence to our best friends or not.  Sure, ’tis well I know that you have no one on the premises.

MRS. COTTER
We can’t please everybody.

CONSTABLE (as he draws a chair to the fire and sits down) Who would try?  I wonder is it snow we’re goin’ to have?

MRS. COTTER
If you’re cold, come up to the fire in the sittin’-room. 
Or if I were you, I’d take a good walk.

CONSTABLE
I’m tired o’ walkin’, an’ the cold gives me no trouble. 
’Tis the pains I have here (placing his hand on his
heart) that affects me.

MRS. COTTER
What sort are they?

CONSTABLE
Cramps—­of the worst kind.

MRS. COTTER
Gracious me!  Have you taken anythin’ for them?

CONSTABLE
What would be good for ’em?

MRS. COTTER
Hot milk an’ pepper.

CONSTABLE
I tried that.

MRS. COTTER
Anythin’ else?

CONSTABLE
Nothin’ except a smoke.

MRS. COTTER
Maybe a little drop o’ “Wise’s” would do some good?

CONSTABLE
I’d try anythin’ that ’ud lessen the pain, though I’d
rather not be troublin’ ye.

MRS. COTTER
’Tis no trouble at all.

[Exit.  While she is away, something falls in the room where Micus and Padna are.  The Constable fails to open the door, and returns to his chair before Mrs. Cotter comes back with the drink.

MRS. COTTER (handing glass) Drink that up, go straight home, bathe ye’r feet in mustard an’ water, an’ ye’ll be as strong as a Protestant in the mornin’!

CONSTABLE (taking glass)
Thank ye, ma’am.

[Drinks it off.  The Head in the coal hole sneezes, and the Sergeant shouts “God bless us!”

CONSTABLE
What’s that?

MRS. COTTER
Oh, that’s nothin’.

[Another sneeze and “God bless us!”

CONSTABLE
Well, if that nothin’ isn’t somethin’, I’m dotin’.

[Opens door and Head and Sergeant fall out on the floor.

SERGEANT
‘Tis all your fault with your blasted sneezin’.

HEAD
Now, maybe you’ll believe that I’ve a cold.

SERGEANT
Don’t be botherin’ me.  I can’t believe meself not to
mind a liar like you.

HEAD (to the Constable, after he has got on his feet) Now, sir, what have you got to say for yourself?  ‘Twill be useless for you to deny that meself an’ the Sergeant here (points to the Sergeant who is still on the floor) have caught you drinkin’ on these licensed premises durin’ your hours o’ duty.