Divorce
The legal termination of a marriage.
The unprecedented rise in the U.S. divorce rate over the past 30 years has had significant consequences for the nation's children, over a million of whom are affected by divorce every year. The U.S. Bureau of the Census has predicted that 40% of children growing up in America in the 1990s will experience the breakup of parental marriages.
Common childhood and adolescent reactions to parental divorce include a continuing desire for the parents to reunite; fears of desertion; feelings of guilt over having been responsible for the divorce; developmental regression; sleep disorders; and physical complaints. While researchers have found that some children recover from the trauma of divorce within one to three years, recent longterm studies have documented persistent negative effects that can follow a child into adolescence and beyond, especially with regard to the formation of intimate relationships later in life. The effects of parental divorce have been linked to phenomena as diverse as emotional and behavioral problems, school dropout rates, crime rates, physical and sexual abuse, and physical health and wellbeing. However, mental health professionals continue to debate whether divorce is more damaging for children than the continuation of a troubled marriage.
Infancy and Toddlerhood
During these stages, children's reactions to divorce stem from interference with the satisfaction of their basic needs. The removal of the noncustodial parent or increased work hours for the custodial parent can cause separation anxiety, while the parents' emotional distress tends to be transmitted to children at these ages, upsetting their own emotional equilibrium. The inability of infants and toddlers to understand the concept of divorce on an intellectual level makes the changes in their situation seem frighteningly unpredictable and confusing. The child may revert to an earlier development stage in such areas as eating, sleeping, toilet training, motor activity, language, and emotional independence. Other signs of distress include anger, fearfulness, and withdrawal.
Preschool
At this stage, the child's continued egocentric focus, coupled with a more advanced level of cognitive development, leads to feelings of guilt as he becomes convinced that he is the reason for his parents' divorce. Children at this age are also prone to powerful fantasies, which—in the case of divorce—can include imagined scenarios involving abandonment or punishment. The disruption that follows divorce, particularly in the relationship with the father, also becomes an important factor for children at this stage of development. Developmental regression may take the form of insisting on sleeping in the same room or bed as the parent; refusing to eat all but a few types of food; stuttering or reverting to baby talk; disruptions in toilet training; and developing an excessive emotional dependence on a parent.
School-Age
By the early elementary grades, children are better able to handle separation from the noncustodial parent. Their greater awareness of the divorce situation, however, may lead to elaborate and frightening fantasies of abandonment or of being replaced in the affections of the noncustodial parent. Typical reactions at this stage include sadness, depression, anger, and generalized anxiety. Disruption of basic developmental progress in such areas as eating, sleeping, and elimination is possible but less frequent than in younger children. Many children this age suffer a sharp decline in academic performance, which often lasts throughout the entire school year in which the divorce takes place. One effective means of helping early elementary children cope with their feelings is communication by displacement, in which a doll or story character acts out feelings and fantasies the child is reluctant to claim as his or her own.
Children in the upper elementary grades are capable of understanding the divorce process on a relatively sophisticated level. At this stage, the simple fears and fantasies of the younger child are replaced by more complex internal conflicts, such as the struggle to preserve one's allegiance to both parents. Older children become adept at erecting defense mechanisms to protect themselves against the pain they feel over a divorce. Such defenses include denial, intellectualization, displacement of feelings, and physical complaints such as fatigue, headaches, and stomachaches. Children in the upper elementary grades are most likely to become intensely angry at their parents for divorcing. Other common emotions at this stage of development include loneliness, grief, anxiety, and a sense of powerlessness.
Adolescence
For teenagers, parental divorce is difficult because it is yet another source of upheaval in their lives. Teenage behavior is affected not only by recent divorces but also by those that occurred when the child was much younger. One especially painful effect of divorce on adolescents is the negative attitude it can produce toward one or both parents, whom they need as role models but are often blamed for disappointing them.
Adolescents are also prone to internal conflicts over their parents' divorce. They are torn between love for and anger toward their parents and between conflicting loyalties to both parents. Positive feelings toward their parents' new partners come into conflict with anxiety over the intimacy of these relationships, and the teenager's close affiliation with the custodial parent clashes with his or her need for increased social and emotional independence. Although children at all ages are distressed by parental divorce, by adolescence it can result in potentially dangerous behavior, including drug and alcohol abuse, precocious and/or promiscuous sexual activity, violence, and delinquency.
Helping Children Cope with Divorce
Psychologist Judith S. Wallerstein, an internationally recognized authority on the effects of divorce on children, has proposed that children whose parents divorce face special psychological tasks in addition to the normal developmental tasks all children must accomplish. She outlines the following sequence of seven steps: 1) attaining a realistic understanding of the divorce; 2) achieving enough distance from the situation to continue with their lives; 3) absorbing the loss of the original family unit and of the noncustodial parent; 4) handling their anger; 5) dealing with guilt feelings; 6) facing the fact that the divorce is permanent; and 7) remaining optimistic about their own chances for healthy relationships in the future.
Experts agree that it is important for parents who are divorcing to avoid involving their children in their disputes or forcing them to choose sides, and are often advised to avoid criticizing their former mates in front of their children. In order for children to heal from the emotional pain of parental divorce, they need an outlet for open expression of their feelings, whether it be a sibling, friend, adult mentor or counselor, or a divorce support group. Extended families can be a significant source of support for children, providing them with stability and with the reassurance that others care about them. Although parental divorce is undeniably difficult for children of all ages, loving, patient, and enlightened parental support can make a crucial difference in helping children cope with the experience both immediately and over the long term.
For Further Study
Books
For Adults
Kalter, Neil. Growing Up with Divorce: Helping Your Child Avoid Immediate and Later Emotional Problems. New York: Free Press, 1990.
Lansky, Vicki. Vichi Lansky's Divorce Book for Parents: Helping Your Children Cope with Divorce and Its Aftermath. New York: Penguin Books, 1989.
Wallerstein, Judith S. Second Chances: Men, Women, and Children a Decade after Divorce. New York: Ticknor & Fields, 1989.
Wallerstein, Judith, and Joan Kelly. Surviving the Break-Up: How Children Cope with Divorce. New York: Basic Books, 1980.
For Children
Blume, Judy. It's Not the End of the World. Scarsdale: Bradbury, 1972.
Bolick, Nancy O'Keefe. How to Survive Your Parents' Divorce. New York: Franklin Watts, 1994.
Brown, L., and M. Brown. The Dinosaurs Divorce. Little, Brown. (For ages 4-8)
Gardner, Richard. The Boys and Girls Book About Divorce. Northvale, N.J.: Aronson, 1992.
Hamm, Diane Johnston. Second Family. New York: Macmillan, 1992.
Krementz, Jill. How It Feels When Parents Divorce. New York: Knopf, 1984. (For ages 8-14)
Organizations
Children's Rights Council (CRC)
Address: 220 Eye St. N.E., Ste. 200
Washington, DC 20002
Telephone: (202) 547-6227
Joint Custody Association (JCA)
Address: 10606 Wilkins Ave.
Los Angeles, CA 90024
Telephone: (310) 475-5352
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