“Says th’ sinitor fr’m Louisyanny:  ‘Louisyanny, th’ proudest jool in th’ dyadim iv our fair land, remains thrue to th’ honored teachin’s iv our leaders.  Th’ protictive tariff is an abomynation.  It is crushin’ out th’ lives iv our people.  An’ wan iv th’ worst parts iv this divvlish injine iv tyranny is th’ tariff on lathes.  Fellow sinitors, as long,’ he says, ’as I can stand, as long as nature will sustain me in me protest, while wan dhrop iv pathriotic blood surges through me heart, I will raise me voice again a tariff on lathes, onless,’ he says, ’this dhread implymint iv oppressyon is akelly used,’ he says, ‘to protict th’ bland an’ beautiful molasses iv th’ State iv me birth,’ he says.

“‘I am heartily in sympathy with th’ sinitor fr’m Louisyanny,’ says th’ sinitor fr’m Virginya.  ‘I loathe th’ tariff.  Fr’m me arliest days I was brought up to look on it with pizenous hathred.  At manny a con-vintion ye cud hear me whoopin’ again it.  But if there is such a lot iv this monsthrous iniquity passin’ around, don’t Virginya get none?  How about th’ mother iv prisidents?  Ain’t she goin’ to have a grab at annything?  Gintlemen, I do not ask, I demand rights f’r me commonwealth.  I will talk here ontil July fourth, nineteen hundhred an’ eighty-two, agin th’ proposed hellish tax on feather beds onless somethin’ is done f’r th’ tamarack bark iv old Virginya.’

“A sinitor:  ‘What’s it used f’r?’

“Th’ sinitor fr’m Virginya:  ’I do not quite know.  It is ayether a cure f’r th’ hives or enthers largely into th’ mannyfacture iv carpet slippers.  But there’s a frind iv mine, a lile Virginyan, who makes it an’ he needs th’ money.’

“‘Th’ argymints iv th’ sinitor fr’m Virginya are onanswerable,’ says Sinitor Aldhrich.  ’Wud it be agreeable to me Dimmycratic collague to put both feather beds an’ his what’s-ye-call-it in th’ same item?’

“‘In such circumstances,’ says th’ sinitor fr’m Virginya, ’I wud be foorced to waive me almost insane prejudice again th’ hellish docthrines iv th’ distinguished sinitor fr’m Rhode Island,’ says he.

“An’ so it goes, Hinnissy.  Niver a sordid wurrud, mind ye, but ivrything done on th’ fine old principle iv give an’ take.”

“Well,” said Mr. Hennessy, “what diff’rence does it make?  Th’ foreigner pays th’ tax, annyhow.”

“He does” said Mr. Dooley, “if he ain’t turned back at Castle Garden.”

THE BIG FINE

“That was a splendid fine they soaked Jawn D. with,” said Mr. Dooley.

“What did they give him?” asked Mr. Hennessy.

“Twinty-nine millyon dollars,” said Mr. Dooley.

“Oh, great!” said Mr. Hennessy.  “That’s a grand fine.  It’s a gorjous fine.  I can’t hardly believe it.”