“An’ there ye ar-re, Hinnissy.  Th’ frindship ceminted two years ago with blood an’ beers is busted.  I don’t know whether annything will happen.  Hogan thinks so, but I ain’t sure.  Th’ Prisidint has announced that rather thin see wan octoginaryan Jap prevented fr’m larnin’ his a-bee-abs he will divastate San Francisco with fire, flood, dinnymite, an’ personalities.  But San Francisco has had a pretty good bump lately an’ wud hardly tur-rn over in its sleep f’r an invasion.  Out there they’re beginnin’ to talk about what nice people th’ Chinese ar-re compared with our old frinds an’ allies.  They say that th’ Jap’nese grow up too fast f’r their childher, an’ that ’tis no pleasant sight to see a Jap’nese pupil combin’ a set iv gray whiskers an’ larnin’, ’Mary had a little lamb,’ and if th’ Prisidint wants thim to enther th’ schools he’ll have to load thim in a cannon an’ shoot thim in.”

“We’d bate thim in a fight,” said Mr. Hennessy.  “They cudden’t stand up befure a gr-reat, sthrong nation like ours.”

“We think we’re gr-reat an’ sthrong,” said Mr. Dooley.  “But maybe we on’y look fat to thim.  Annyhow, we might roll on thim.  Wudden’t it be th’ grand thing, though, if they licked us an’ we signed a threaty iv peace with thim an’ with tears iv humilyation in our eyes handed thim th’ Ph’lippeens!”

THE ARMY CANTEEN

“I seen big Doherty runnin’ in a sojer to-day an’ ’twas a fine sight.  Th’ sojer was fr’m th’ County Kerry an’ had a thrip an’ Doherty is th’ champeen catch-as-catch-can rassler iv Camp Twinty-eight.  He had a little th’ worst iv it, f’r he cud on’y get a neck holt, th’ warryor havin’ no slack to his pants, but he landed him at last.  ’Twas gr-reat to see thim doin’ a cart-wheel down th’ sthreet.”

“Was th’ sojer under th’ influence?” asked Mr. Hennessy.

“Ye might say he was,” said Mr. Dooley.  “That is, ye might say so if ye didn’t know that th’ dhrinkin’ habits iv’ th’ army have been rayformed.  Didn’t ye know they were?  They ar-re.  Yes, sir.  Th’ motto iv our brave fellows is now ‘Away, away, th’ bowl,’ ’Tis ‘Wine f’r th’ thremblin’ debauchee, but water, pure water, f’r me,’ ’Tis ’Father, dear father, come home with me now.’  An’ who did it?  Who is it that improves men an’ makes thim more ladylike, an’ thin quits thim, but th’ ladies?  This here reform was carried out be th’ Young Ladies’ Christyan Tim’prance Union, no less.  Ye see, ‘twas this way.  F’r manny years it’s been th’ theery that dhrink an’ fightin’ wint arm-in-arm.  If ye dhrank ye fought; if ye fought ye drank to fight again.  As Hogan says, Mars, who was th’ gawd iv war, was no good onless he was pushed into throuble be Backis, the gawd iv dhrink.  About th’ time Mars was r-ready to quit an’ go home to do th’ Spring plowin’, Backis handed him a jigger iv kerosene an’ says:  ’That fellow over there is leerin’ at ye.  Ar-re ye goin’ to stand that?’ an’ Mars bustled in.  Th’ barkeeper an’ th’ banker ar-re behind ivry war.