“All these here things I heerd fr’m Hogan an’ see in th’ pa-apers.  I invied this wondherful nation.  I wisht, sometimes, th’ Lord hadn’t given me two blue an’ sometimes red eyes an’ this alkiline nose, but a nose like an ear an’ a couple iv shoe-buttons f’r eyes.  I wanted to be a Jap an’ belong to th’ higher civvylization.  Hogan had a Jap frind that used to come in here with him.  Hogan thought he was a Prince, but he was a cook an’ a student in a theelogical siminry.  They’d talk be th’ hour about th’ beauties iv what Hogan called th’ Flowery Kingdom.  ’Oh, wondherful land,’ says Hogan.  ‘Land iv chrysanthymums an’ cherry blossoms a’ gasyhee girls,’ says he.  ‘Japan is a beautiful land,’ says Prince Okoko.  ‘Nippon, (that’s th’ name it goes by at home,) Nippon, I salute ye,’ says Hogan.  ‘May victhry perch upon ye’er banners, an’ may ye hammer our old frinds an’ allies fr’m Mookden to Moscow.  Banzai,’ says he.  An’ they embraced.  That night, in ordher to help on th’ cause, Hogan bought a blue flower-pot fr’m th’ Prince’s collection f’r eighteen dollars.  He took it home undher his ar-rm in th’ rain an’ th’ next mornin’ most iv th’ flower-pot was on his new overcoat an’ th’ rest was meltin’ all over th’ flure.

“That was the beginnin’ iv th’ end iv th’ frindship between th’ two gr-reat nations that owe thimselves so much.  About th’ time Hogan got th’ flower-pot, th’ fire-sale ads an’ th’ Rooshyan outrage news both stopped in th’ newspa-apers.  A well-known fi-nanceer who thravelled to Tokeeo with a letter iv inthraduction to th’ Mickydoo fr’m th’ Prisidint beginnin’ ‘Dear mick,’ got a brick put through his hat as he wint to visit th’ foorth assistant to th’ manicure iv th’ eighth assistant to th’ plumber iv th’ bricklayer iv th’ Mickydoo, which is th’ nearest to his Majesty that foreign eyes ar-re permitted to look upon.  A little later a number iv Americans in private life who wint over to rayceive in person th’ thanks iv th’ Impror f’r what they’d done f’r him talkin’ ar-round th’ bar at th’ Union League Club, were foorced be th’ warmth iv their rayciption to take refuge in th’ house iv th’ Rooshyan counsel.  Th’ next month some iv th’ subjects iv our life-long frind an’ ally were shot while hookin’ seals fr’m our side iv th’ Passyfic.  Next week a prom’nent Jap’nese statesman was discovered payin’ a socyal visit to th’ Ph’lippeens.  He had with him at th’ time two cameras, a couple iv line men, surveyin’ tools, a thousand feet iv tape line, an’ a bag iv dinnymite bombs.  Last month th’ Jap’nese Governmint wrote to th’ Prisidint:  ‘Most gracious an’ bewilderin’ Majesty, Impror iv th’ Sun, austere an’ patient Father iv th’ Stars, it has come to our benign attintion that in wan iv ye’er populous domains our little prattlin’ childher who ar-re over forty years iv age ar-re not admitted to th’ first reader classes in th’ public schools.  Oh, brother beloved, we adore ye.  Had ye not butted in with ye’er hivenly binivolence we wud’ve shook Rooshya down f’r much iv her hateful money.  Now we must prove our affection with acts.  It is our intintion to sind a fleet to visit ye’er shores, partickly San Francisco, where we undherstand th’ school system is well worth studyin’.’