“Well, in former times th’ Governmint kept a saloon f’r th’ sojers.  Up at Fort Shurdan they had a ginmill where th’ warryors cud go an’ besot thimsilves with bottled beer an’ dominoes.  It was a sad sight to see thim grim heroes, survivors iv a thousand marches through th’ damp sthreets on Decoration Day, settin’ in these temples iv hell an’ swillin’ down th’ hated cochineel that has made Milwaukee what it is.  To this palace iv vice th’ inthrepid definder iv his Nation’s honor hastened whin he had completed th’ arjoos round iv his jooties, after he had pressed th’ Lootinant’s clothes, curried th’ Captain’s horse, mended th’ roof iv th’ Major’s house, watered th’ geeranyums f’r th’ Colonel’s wife, an’ written his daily letter to th’ paper complainin’ about th’ food.  There he sat an’ dhrank an’ fought over his old battles with th’ cook an’ recalled th’ name that he give whin he first enlisted an’ thried to think who it was he married in Fort Leavenworth, ontil th’ bugle summoned him to th’ awful carnage called supper.

“Well, sir, ’twas dhreadful.  We opposed it as much as we cud.  As a dillygate to th’ Binivolent Assoeyation iv Saloon Keepers iv America I’ve helped to pass manny resolutions to save our brave boys in yellow fr’m th’ insidyous foe that robs thim iv what intellicts they show be goin’ into the army.  Our organ-ization petitioned Congress time an’ time again to take th’ Governmint out iv this vile poorsoot that was sappin’ th’ very vitals iv our sojery.  Why, we asked, shud Uncle Sam engage in this thraffic in th’ souls iv men without payin’ f’r a license, whin dacint citizens were puttin’ up their good money a block away an’ niver a soul comin’ down fr’m th’ fort to be thrafficked in?  Did Congress pay anny attintion to us?  It did not.

“But wan day a comity iv ladies fr’m th’ Young Ladies’ Christyan Timp’rance Union wint out to th’ fort.  They’d seen th’ Colonel at th’ last p’rade an’ they’d decided that ’twas high time they disthributed copies iv ‘Death in th’ Bottle; or, Th’ Booze-Fighter’s Finish,’ among our sojery.  Whin they got up there they seen a large bunch iv our gallant fellows makin’ a dash f’r an outlyin’ building, an’ says wan iv thim:  ‘What can they be in such a hurry f’r?  That must be th’ chapel.  Let us go in.’  An’ in they wint.

“Hinnissy, th’ sight that met their young an’ unaccustomed eyes was enough to shock even a lady lookin’ f’r throuble.  Th’ air was gray an’ blue with th’ fumes iv that heejous weed that has made mankind happy though single f’r four hundred years, an’ that next to alcohol is th’ greatest curse iv th’ sons iv Adam.  Some iv th’ wretches were playin’ cards, properly called th’ Divvle’s bible; others were indulgin’ in music, that lure iv th’ Evil Wan f’r idleness, while still others were intint on th’ furyous game iv dominoes, whose feet take hold on hell.  But worse, still worse, they saw through their girlish spectacles dimmed with unbidden tears.  F’r