"I don't know that I could look someone in the eye and exclaim, 'Oh, my goodness, I think I see Santa!' or 'Can you close your eyes and make a very special Christmas wish!' Everything these elves said had an exclamation point at the end of it!!! It makes one's mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment. I feel cornered when someone talks to me this way. Doesn't everyone? I prefer being frank with children. I'm more likely to say, 'You must be exhausted,' or 'I know a lot of people who would kill for that little waistline of yours.' I am afraid I won't be able to provide the grinding enthusiasm Santa is asking for. I think I'll be a low-key sort of an elf" (The SantaLand Diaries, pg. 12.)

"At noon a huge crowd of retarded people cane to visit Santa and...