more trying to standers by than you have an idea of perhaps) but that he was generous and forbearing in that hour of bitter trial, and never reproached me as he might have done and as my own soul has not spared—­never once said to me then or since, that if it had not been for me, the crown of his house would not have fallen.  He never did ... and he might have said it, and more—­and I could have answered nothing.  Nothing, except that I had paid my own price—­and that the price I paid was greater than his loss ... his!!  For see how it was; and how, ’not with my hand but heart,’ I was the cause or occasion of that misery—­and though not with the intention of my heart but with its weakness, yet the occasion, any way!

They sent me down you know to Torquay—­Dr. Chambers saying that I could not live a winter in London.  The worst—­what people call the worst—­was apprehended for me at that time.  So I was sent down with my sister to my aunt there—­and he, my brother whom I loved so, was sent too, to take us there and return.  And when the time came for him to leave me, I, to whom he was the dearest of friends and brothers in one ... the only one of my family who ... well, but I cannot write of these things; and it is enough to tell you that he was above us all, better than us all, and kindest and noblest and dearest to me, beyond comparison, any comparison, as I said—­and when the time came for him to leave me I, weakened by illness, could not master my spirits or drive back my tears—­and my aunt kissed them away instead of reproving me as she should have done; and said that she would take care that I should not be grieved ... she! ... and so she sate down and wrote a letter to Papa to tell him that he would ’break my heart’ if he persisted in calling away my brother—­As if hearts were broken so!  I have thought bitterly since that my heart did not break for a good deal more than that!  And Papa’s answer was—­burnt into me, as with fire, it is—­that ’under such circumstances he did not refuse to suspend his purpose, but that he considered it to be very wrong in me to exact such a thing.’  So there was no separation then:  and month after month passed—­and sometimes I was better and sometimes worse—­and the medical men continued to say that they would not answer for my life ... they! if I were agitated—­and so there was no more talk of a separation.  And once he held my hand, ... how I remember! and said that he ’loved me better than them all and that he would not leave me ... till I was well,’ he said! how I remember that!  And ten days from that day the boat had left the shore which never returned; never—­and he had left me! gone!  For three days we waited—­and I hoped while I could—­oh—­that awful agony of three days!  And the sun shone as it shines to-day, and there was no more wind than now; and the sea under the windows was like this paper for smoothness—­and my sisters drew the curtains back that I might see for myself how smooth the sea was, and how it could hurt nobody—­and other boats came back one by one.