Can. Only how to break the record of the quarter mile.

Exam. (brightening up).  And can you play Cricket?

Can. (contemptuously). Can I play Cricket!  Why I carried my bat out for 184 against Loamshire, with GRACE bowling his swiftest.

Exam. (cordially grasping his hand).  My dear Sir, after the satisfactory examination you have just undergone, I shall have much pleasure in recommending you for a Scholarship.

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, Monday, Aug. 8.—­Think I mentioned, just before Prorogation, how DUNBAR BARTON, offended at disregard paid to his warnings by Ministers, protested that he would never speak again, and should thenceforth be known as DUM BARTON.  Finding him to-night figged out, prepared to move Address, reminded him of the incident.

[Illustration:  Asquith, Q.C.]

“Quite so, TOBY,” he said; “you’re perfectly right.  I never did speak again in that House.  This is a different thing.  Besides, I’m not going to make a speech, but to read a paper.”

Rather quibbling this; but temptation to accept invitation to move Address at opening of new Session understood to be irresistible.  Believe I’m the only Member who ever begged to be excused.  W.H.  CROSS seconded Address; speech much mystified House; remains to this day disputed point whether he meant to be funny, or was merely maladroit.  Fancy he really meant it.  GRAND CROSS in Peers’ Gallery, looking on with fond affection.  Life been for him, of late, a troubled sheet of water.  His counsel about not dissolving Parliament till very last moment, over-ruled; consequence is, Government are going out; how India is to get on without him, GRAND CROSS really doesn’t know.  Situation not soothed by reprehensible frivolity of Prince ARTHUR.  Meeting GRAND CROSS just now, moodily crossing Corridor, Prince said,—­“Well, we’re not the only parties changing places.  I see, from the newspapers, that the planet Mars has already gone into Opposition.”

GRAND CROSS severely shook his head.  There are some things too sacred for a joke; his leaving the India Office is one.  Moreover, not free from certain jealousy in the matter.  Fact is, been, so to speak, “on the joke” himself.  Modest merit, like murder, will out.  No use attempting to burke what is open secret.  All those funereal jokes in young Cross’s speech—­his “course of obituary notices” as ASQUITH happily put it—­were really GRAND CROSS’s.  CROSS pere composed them in the seclusion of Eccle Riggs, and made them over to his son.

“Would never do, WILLIAM HENRY, for a man in my position to publicly make a joke.  I am not sure how it befits the Junior Counsel for England in the Behring Sea Arbitration.  But we must risk that.  There they are,” he said, handing him a packet of manuscript in a black-edged envelope, “and may a father’s blessing accompany them.”