thim made be th’ Germans.  She has thravelled fr’m Liverpool (a rock so far off th’ coast iv Ireland that I niver see it) to New York (Sandy Hook lightship) in four or five days.  Brittanya again rules th’ waves.’  So if ye’ve anny frinds inclined to boast about makin’ a record ask thim did they swim aboord at Daunt’s Rock an’ swim off at th’ lightship.  If they didn’t, refuse to take off ye’er hat to thim.  To tell how long it takes to cross th’ Atlantic compute th’ elapsed time fr’m boordin’ house to boordin’ house.  It’s fr’m a week to ten days depindin on th’ time ye go to bed whin ye come home.  Manny a man that come over on a five-day boat has had th’ divvle iv a time explainin’ to his wife what he did with th’ other two days.  No record iv thransatlantic thravel takes into account th’ longest, roughest an’ most dangerous part iv th’ passage, which is through th’ New York custom house.

“But ’tis wondherful annyhow.  ‘Tis wondherful that a man shud cross th’ Atlantic ocean annyhow an’ ’tis enough to make ye dizzy to think iv him crossin’ it in an iron boat that looks like a row iv office buildings.  Th’ grand times they must’ve had.  Time was whin a man got on a boat an’ was lost f’r a week or ten days.  Now, be hivens, through th’ wondhers iv modhern science he’s hardly settled down to a cigar an’ a game iv pinochle with another fugitive that he’s just met, whin a messenger boy comes down th’ deck on his bicycle an’ hands him a tillygram with glad tidings fr’m home.  Th’ house is burned, th’ sheriff has levied on his furniture or th’ fam’ly are down with th’ whoopin’ cough.  On th’ other hand we know all about what they are doin’ on boord th’ levithin.  Just as ye’er wife is thinkin’ iv ye bein’ wrecked on a desert island or floatin’ on a raft an’ signallin’ with an undershirt she picks up th’ pa-aper an’ reads:  ‘Th’ life iv th’ ship is Malachi Hinnissy, a wealthy bachelor fr’m Pittsburg.  His attintions to a widow from Omaha are most marked.  They make a handsome couple.’

“Well, sir, they must ‘ve had th’ gloryus time on boord this new boat.  In th’ old days all ye knew about a ship was that she left Liverpool and landed in New York afther a most disthressin’ v’yage.  Now ye r-read iv th’ gay life aboord her fr’m day to day:  ‘Th’ tie in th’ billyard tournymint was played off last night.  Th’ resthrants are crowded nightly an’ great throngs are seen in Main Sthreet undher th’ brilliant illuminations.  Th’ public gardens are in full bloom an’ are much frequented be childher rollin’ hoops and sailin’ boats in th’ artificial lake.  Th’ autymobill speedway gives gr-reat satisfaction.  Th’ opening day iv th’ steeplechase races was a success.  Th’ ilivator in th’ left annex fell thirteen stories Thursday, but no wan was injured.  Th’ brokerage house iv Conem an’ Comp’ny wint into th’ hands iv a receiver to-day.  Th’ failure was due to th’ refusal iv th’ banks to lend anny more money on hat pools.  Th’ steeple iv th’ Swedenborjan Church is undher repair.  Th’ Daily Fog Horn has put in three new color presses an’ will begin printin’ a colored supplement Sunday next.’  An’ so it goes.  It ain’t a boat at all.  It’s a city.