“But, mind ye, none iv these raisons go in anny two States.  A man that wants to be properly divoorced will have to start out an’ do a tour iv our gr-reat Republic, an’ be th’ time he’s thurly released he may want to do it all over agin with th’ second choice iv his wild, glad heart.

“It wud be a grand thing if it cud be straightened out.  Th’ laws ought to be th’ same ivrywhere.  In anny part iv this fair land iv ours it shud be th’ right iv anny man to get a divoorce, with alimony, simply be goin’ befure a Justice iv th’ Peace an’ makin’ an affydavit that th’ lady’s face had grown too bleak f’r his taste.  Be Hivens, I’d go farther.  Rather than have people endure this sarvichood I’d let anny man escape be jumpin’ th’ conthract.  All he’d have to do if I was r-runnin’ this Governmint wud be to put some clothes in th’ grip, write a note to his wife that afther thinkin’ it over f’r forty years he had made up his mind that his warm nature was not suited to marredge with th’ mother iv so manny iv his childher, an’ go out to return no more.

“I don’t know much about marrid life, except what ye tell me an’ what I r-read in th’ pa-apers.  But it must be sad.  All over this land onhappily mated couples ar-re sufferin’ almost as much as if they had a sliver in their thumb or a slight headache.  Th’ sorrows iv these people ar-re beyond belief.  I say, Hinnissy, it is th’ jooty iv th’ law to marcifully release thim.

“Ye take th’ case iv me frind fr’m Mud Center that I was readin’ about th’ other day.  There was a martyr f’r ye.  Poor fellow!  Me eyes filled with tears thinkin’ about him.  Whin a young man he marrid.  He was a fireman in thim days, an’ th’ objict iv his etarnal affection was th’ daughter iv th’ most popylar saloon keeper in town.  A gr-reat socyal gulf opened between thim.  He had fine prospects iv ivinchooly bein’ promoted to two-fifty a day, but she was heiress to a cellar full iv Monongahela rye an’ a pool table, an’ her parents objicted, because iv th’ diffrence in their positions.  But love such as his is not to be denied.  Th’ bold suitor won.  Together they eloped an’ were marrid.

“F’r a short time all wint well.  They lived together happily f’r twinty years an’ raised wan iv th’ popylous fam’lies iv people who expect to be supported in their old days.  Th’ impechuse lover, spurred on be th’ desire to make good with his queen, slugged, cheated, an’ wurruked his way to th’ head iv th’ railroad.  He was no longer Greasy Bill, th’ Oil Can, but Hinnery Aitch Bliggens, th’ Prince iv Industhree.  All th’ diff’rent kinds iv money he iver heerd iv rolled into him, large money an’ small, other people’s money, money he’d labored f’r an’ money he’d wished f’r.  Whin he set in his office countin’ it he often left a call f’r six o’clock f’r fear he might be dhreamin’ an’ not get to th’ roundhouse on time.