(3.) SIR,—­I have saved L4 5s. 2d. during the last twenty years, and now send it to you in the Automatic Toast and Muffin Distributor Co., which I see guarantees a return of 500 per cent., with an anticipated increase of 200 per cent. from the sale of concessions in suburban districts.  “The Muffins,” you say, “will always be kept at toasting point, and, by a novel and ingenious arrangement, a perpetual supply of the best butter will spread itself over every Muffin as it is distributed to the Public.”  I like this very much.  Pray, therefore, place me on toast to the enclosed amount.

Yours,

ONE IN THE SLOT.

[Have done what you wish.  You have already cleared profit of over L500.  We shall add buns and crumpets to our business to-morrow, and tea-cakes on the following day, so as to place it in everybody’s power to take the cake, if he wants to.

CROESUS.]

I have little more to add this week, but I think it only right to hint that I am engaged in perfecting the details of a scheme which will revolutionise finance.  I am not allowed, at present, to enter into full particulars, but I may say that I have been in close conference with the very highest person in the world of finance, and that he is to submit my plan to the next Cabinet Council.  Briefly, when my scheme is floated, Consols will immediately go to par, and will be converted into a security bearing ten per cent. interest—­and this without a single penny being added to the tax-payers’ burdens.  I have been authorised by the officials of the Treasury to receive any investments that my readers may offer.  Now, therefore, is your time.  Next week I may have to take a short holiday, owing to the strain on my nerves, caused by my numerous anxieties.  But the good work will go on as before.

“CROESUS LONDON.”

* * * * *

GLORY AT THE LOWEST PRICE.

[There is nothing whatever to hinder a civilian from organising and managing an efficient army, and there are at any given moment a score of men in the City of London, who could carry out the work with perfect ease.—­Daily Paper, November 19, 1891.]

SCENE—­The Army Universal Provision Company Limited (Managing Director, Mr. BLACKLEY).  Enter Recruit in Department No. 1.  He looks round him surprised at the business-like activity that greets him on every side.

Foreman (politely).  Anything I can do for you, Sir, to-day?  We have an assortment of Queen’s Shillings fresh from the Mint.  Curiosities, Sir, quite out of date, but interesting.  Can I tempt you?

Recruit (with some hesitation).  Well, I thought of joining the Army, and—­

Foreman (interrupting).  Certainly, Sir.  Doctor in that room.  Magistrate in that.  Be medically passed and sworn to allegiance while you wait. (Ushers Recruit into various Departments—­whence he emerges duly enrolled.) And now, Sir, which branch of the Service would you like to see?