Further Remarks taken from Lord Chesterfield’s Letters to his Son.

34.  Having now given you full and sufficient instructions for making you well received in the best of companies; nothing remains but that I lay before you some few rules for your conduct in such company.  Many things on this subject I have mentioned before; but some few matters remain to be mentioned now.

Talk, then, frequently, but not long together, lest you tire the persons you are speaking to; for few persons talk so well upon a subject, as to keep up the attention of their hearers for any length of time.

35.  Avoid telling stories in company, unless they are very short indeed, and very applicable to the subject you are upon; in this case relate them in as few words as possible, without the least digression, and with some apology; as, that you hate the telling of stories, but the shortness of it induced you.  And if your story has any wit in it, be particularly careful not to laugh at it yourself.  Nothing is more tiresome and disagreeable than a long tedious narrative; it betrays a gossiping disposition, and great want of imagination; and nothing is more ridiculous than to express an approbation of your own story by a laugh.

36.  In relating any thing, keep clear of repetitions, or very hackneyed expressions, such as, says he, or says she.  Some people will use these so often, as to take off the hearers’ attention from the story; as in an organ out of tune, one pipe shall perhaps sound the whole time we are playing, and confuse the piece so as not to be understood.

37.  Digressions, likewise, should be guarded against.  A story is always more agreeable without them.  Of this kind are, “the gentleman I am telling you of, is the son of Sir Thomas ——­, who lives in Harley-street;—­you must know him—­his brother had a horse that won the sweepstakes at the last Newmarket meeting.—­Zounds! if you don’t know him you know nothing.”  Or, “He was an upright tall old gentleman, who wore his own long hair; don’t you recollect him?”—­All this is unnecessary, is very tiresome and provoking, and would he an excuse for a man’s behaviour, if he was to leave us in the midst of our narrative.

38.  Some people have a trick of holding the persons they are speaking to by the button, or the hands in order to be heard out; conscious, I suppose, that their tale is tiresome.  Pray, never do this; if the person you speak to is not as willing to hear your story as you are to tell it, you had much better break off in the middle:  for if you tire them once, they will be afraid to listen to you a second time.

39.  Others have a way of punching the person they are talking to in the side, and at the end of every sentence, asking him some questions as the following—­“Wasn’t I right in that?”—­“You know, I told you so.”—­“What’s your opinion?” and the like; or, perhaps, they will be thrusting him, or jogging him with their elbow.  For mercy’s sake, never give way to this:  it will make your company dreaded.