Britons are very jealous of the reputation of their national poet, and permit no jokes upon the subject.  You see, in letting off your witticism at a Scotchman, you would have to explain that it was a joke.  You might also hint that it was “hard lines” for the Railway Companies concerned; but this will provoke gloom rather than gaiety amongst those who have invested in Caledonians and North British.  If you talk about the riots in connection with the movement, you might say that the pugnacious rioters remind you of safety matches, “for they not only strike, but strike on the box!”

The Parnell Negociations in France.—­You can say something about O’BRIEN’s invitation to Mr. PARNELL to pay him an evening visit on the French coast, reminds you of the once popular song, “Meet me by Moonlight, Boulogne.”  If you are told that “Boulogne” should be “Alone,” return, “Precisely—­borrowed a word—­Boulogne was a loan.”  This ought to go with roars.  At a Smoking Concert you might suggest that Mr. O’BRIEN was just the man to settle a quarrel, because even when he was in prison he took an absorbing interest in the proper adjustment of breeches!

The Row at the Post Office.—­As the Savings’ Bank Department has for years been the Cinderella of the Civil Service, this is a subject that will not create much interest; however, you might possibly extract a pleasantry out of the name of the present Postmaster-General in connection with the now-appeased employes.  With a little trouble you should be able to say something quite sparkling about what the “officers” hoe to Raikes!

The Portuguese Difficulty in Africa.—­Rather a good subject at a Christmas Dinner, where relatives (on particularly affectionate and intimate terms) are gathered together.  Say you have got to the dessert, and you start the subject.  Observe that it is fortunate that the SULTAN OF TURKEY is not interested in the matter, or there would be further trouble of a like character.  To the question, “Why?” reply, taking up a bottle of red wine to point your witticism, “would it not be a second difficulty with the Porte, you geese?” To make the jest perfect, connect Turkey in Europe with the dindon aux marrons, of which you will have just partaken.

The Weather.—­If forced to fall back upon this venerable subject (which should only be broached in the wilds of Cornwall, or other equally primitive spots), of course you can speak of a hard frost being “an ice day for a hunting-man, although he is sure to swear at it.”  If the weather breaks, you may observe, “You thaw so,” but not when you have to shout the quibble through the ear-trumpet of a deaf old maid.  And this, with the other witticisms recorded above, should carry you (by desire) into the middle of next week.

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A DEADLY KISS.—­The Hotch-kiss.

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