* * * * *

EXTRACT FROM REPORT OF THE G.O.M.’S BIRTHDAY SPEECH AT HAWARDEN:—­

[Illustration:  G.O.M. (to himself).  “I hope Lawson isn’t looking at me.”]

“And I do not hesitate to betray to you this secret, that not infrequently in the summer months, when winding my way homewards after midnight, sometimes very long after it, from the House of Commons, I have stopped my course for a moment by the side of the drinking fountain in Great George Street, Westminster, when there was nobody to look at me, and have indulged in the refreshing draught which was there afforded me, feeling at the same time that I was not performing any action which could expose me to the resentment or displeasure of my excellent friend whose name is well known to you all—­Sir WILFRID LAWSON.”

* * * * *

I’D BE A CRIMINAL.

A SONG OF THE RULING SENSATION.

TUNE—­I’D BE A BUTTERFLY.

  I’d be a criminal, born in a slum,
    Where refuse, and rowdies, and raggedness meet;
  For when to the court for my trial I come,
    I’ll be gazed on by all that is gracious and sweet.

  Fair dames of the land will acknowledge my power,
    And Scientists sage will be slaves at my feet;
  Offers of marriage I’ll get in full shower,
    And fools in my cause in their thousands will meet.

  They’ll trot out each new “scientific” vagary,
    Some hope of escape to my prison to bring,
  And scribes on my case will be sportive and airy
    And tell how I look, eat, sleep, dress, talk or sing.

  Those I have butchered will get scant attention,
    Interest’s sure to be centred in me. 
  Painters will picture me, poets may mention,
    Beauties discuss me at five o’clock tea.

  Mad doctors will fight o’er my mental condition,
    Hypnotists swear I was somebody’s tool;
  And if I’m condemned, why a Monster Petition
    Will promptly be signed by each faddist and fool.

  Murder—­and good Dr. LIEGOIS of Nancy
    Will back you, LABRUYERE will help you away. 
  I’d be a Murderer, that is my fancy,
    He is the only true Hero to-day!

* * * * *

THE AMUSING RATTLE’S TOPICAL NOTEBOOK.

(FOR THE USE OF DINERS-OUT AND OTHER AMATEUR ENTERTAINERS.)

The Strike in Scotland.—­You might suggest, that were it in Ireland, one might see a rail way out of it, or rather in it.  This jest may be expected to be appreciated by a parson’s wife of the sharper sort.  Something ought to be got out of the visit of the agitator BURNS to the North.  Example of what can be done in this direction:—­“People who play with fire (persons who go in for strikes) must expect BURNS.”  However, be careful not to say this to a Scotchman, or he may want your blood before you get to the cigarettes.  North