Yours parabolically, OLD PAR.

* * * * *

Novel praise from the D.T. for the Lord Mayor’s Show, during a pause for lunch:—­“It is so quaint, so bright, so thoroughly un-English.”  The Lord Mayor’s Show “So Un-English, you know”!  Then, indeed have we arrived at the end of the ancient al-fresco spectacle.

* * * * *

IN A HOLE.

(BRIEF IMPERIAL TRAGI-COMEDY, IN TWO ACTS, IN ACTIVE REHEARSAL.)

    ["Well, if it comes to fighting, we should be just in
    a hole.”—­A Linesman’s Opinion of the New Rifle, from
    Conversation in Daily Paper.]

ACT I.

    SCENE—­A Public Place in Time of Peace.

Mrs. Britannia (receiving a highly finished and improved newly constructed scientific weapon from cautious and circumspect Head of Department).  And so this is the new Magazine Rifle?

Head of Department (in a tone of quiet and self-satisfied triumph).  It is, Madam.

Mrs. Britannia.  And I may take your word for it, that it is a weapon I can with confidence place in the hands of my soldiers.

Head of Department.  You may, Madam.  Excellent as has been all the work turned out by the Department I have the honour to represent, I think I may fairly claim this as our greatest achievement.  No less than nine firms have been employed in its construction, and I am proud to say that in one of the principal portions of its intricate mechanism, fully seven-and-thirty different parts, united by microscopic screws, are employed in the adjustment.  But allow me to explain. [Does so, giving an elaborate and confusing account of the construction, showing that, without the greatest care, and strictest attention to a series of minute precautions on the part of the soldier, the weapon is likely to get suddenly out of order, and prove worse than useless in action.  This, however, he artfully glides over in his description, minimising all its possible defects, and finally insisting that no power in Europe has turned out such a handy, powerful, and serviceable rifle.

Mrs. Britannia.  Ah, well, I don’t profess to understand the practical working of the weapon.  But I have trusted you implicitly to provide me with a good one, and this being, as you tell me, what I want, I herewith place it the hands of my Army. (Presents the rifle to TOMMY ATKINS.) Here, ATKINS, take your rifle, and I hope you’ll know how to use it.

Tommy Atkins (with a broad grin).  Thank’ee, Ma’am.  I hope I shall, for I shall be in a precious ’ole if I don’t.

    [Flourish of newspaper articles, general congratulatory
    chorus on all sides, as Act-drop descends.

ACT II.