But, in truth, I had no inclination to self-defence.  My natural vivacity had forsaken me, and I listened without interrupting him to the fluency of reproachful language which his resentment inspired.  He took a very solemn and affectionate leave of my mamma, thanking her for her politeness, and wishing her much future felicity.  He attempted to address me, I suppose, somewhat in the same way; but his sensibility somewhat overcame him, and he only took my hand, and, bowing in silence, departed.

The want of rest for two long nights together, the exercise of mind, and conflict of passions which now tortured my breast, were too much for me to support.

When I saw that he was gone, that he had actually forsaken me, I fainted.  My mamma, with the assistance of the maid, soon restored me.

When I opened my eyes and beheld this amiable and tender parent watching and attending me with the most anxious concern, without one reproachful word, without one accusing look, my reflections upon the part I had acted, in defeating her benevolent wishes, were exquisitely afflictive.  But we mutually forbore to mention the occasion of my illness; and I complied with her advice to take some refreshment, and retire to my chamber.  I am so much fatigued by the exertions of the day that rest is absolutely necessary; and I lay aside my pen to seek it.

Friday morning.—­When I shall again receive the balmy influence of sleep, I know not.  It has absolutely forsaken me at present.  I have had a most restless night.  Every awakening idea presented itself to my imagination; whether I had sustained a real loss in Mr. Boyer’s departure, reflections on my own misconduct, with the censure of my friends, and the ill-natured remarks of my enemies, excited the most painful anxiety in my mind.

I am going down; but how shall I see my mamma?  To her I will confess my faults, in her maternal breast repose my cares, and by her friendly advice regulate my conduct.  Had I done this before, I might have escaped this trouble, and saved both her and myself many distressing emotions.

Friday evening’.—­I have had a long conversation with my mamma, which has greatly relieved my mind.  She has soothed me with the most endearing tenderness.

Mr. Atkins, with whom Mr. Boyer lodged while in town, called here this afternoon.  I did not see him; but he told my mamma that Mr. Boyer had returned home, and left a letter for me, which he had promised to convey with his own hand.  By this I am convinced that the die is absolutely cast with respect to him, and that no attempts on my part to bring about a reconciliation would be either prudent or successful.  He has penetrated the cause of my proceedings; and such is his resentment, that I am inclined not much to regret his avoiding another interview.

My excuses would be deemed utterly insufficient, and truth would not befriend and justify me.