a Kent man here who can play at all and would help us out?’ I can hear him at first only faintly; then, as he gets closer, I hear more clearly, ’Is there a Kent man here who can play at all and would help us out?’ My heart beats faster and faster and I am nearly suffocated with suspense as he approaches, because I am a Kent man who can bat a bit, and to play for my county has always been my desire, and I am afraid that someone else will volunteer before the captain reaches me.

“You see now why the match has to be played so far away from home.  If it were Kent v.  Middlesex at Lord’s, for example, there would be loads of Kentish men on the ground.  But not so many up in the North.

“I always wonder why the captain does not begin in the Pavilion, but he does not.  He comes straight to the ring.  Every moment he is drawing nearer and no one has offered himself; and then at last he gets to me and I stand up and say that Kent is my county and I can play a bit and would like to help.  He hastens to accept my offer, and I take his bat and pads and gloves and go to the pitch, amid the cheers of the crowd.

“At the wicket I am received with hearty greetings by the rival captain (this is a dream, remember), and I take middle.  Then I look round the field with perfect composure, as I have always seen the best batsmen do, and have always wanted to do myself.  I am the coolest thing there.

“The situation is electrical.  Six runs are needed and I am the last man.  The bowler against me is a demon and I am dead out of practice and by no means fond of being hit on the body.  He begins his run towards the wicket, and the ball leaves his terrible long swinging arm and comes towards me like a shell.  I raise my bat, get it on the half-volley right in the middle, hit it clean over the Pavilion for six, and the match is won.

“That is my favourite dream.”

“No wonder,” we said.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  Mother.  “GEORGE WERE ALWAYS A TURRIBLE ONE TO CLEAN ’ISSELF; BUT THE ARMY DO SEEM TO ’AVE MADE UN WORSE.”

Father.  “AH!  ’E GIVES WAY TO IT.”]

* * * * *

[Illustration:  Gambler’s Wife (after reading result of the Derby).  “TAKE THE PARROT OUTSIDE, NELLIE.  THE MASTER WILL BE HOME DIRECTLY AFTER THE HORSE HE BACKED HAS COME IN LAST.”]

* * * * *

BUSINESS AS USUAL.

  Rolling stones like Edward Ross
  Never gather any moss. 
  He was one of those who think it’s
  Easier to gather trinkets—­
  Silver watch or golden chain,
  Purse or bag or chatelaine;
  So that at the age of thirty,
  Though his clothes were old and dirty,
  Yet there were no flies upon
  Edward, as you’ll see anon.

  Just before the Mons Retreat
  He emerged upon the street
  From His Majesty’s Hotel,
  Where they’d kept him safe and well,
  Gratis.  But, in spite of this, Ted
  Caught the fever and enlisted.