[Illustration:  ROMAN COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER TRYING TO SELL SAFETY RAZORS TO THE DRUIDS.]

[Illustration:  KNIGHT, ABOUT TO UNDERGO THE “TRIAL BY COMBAT,” OFFERING TO BACK HIMSELF “TO WIN OR A PLACE.”]

[Illustration:  AMBIDEXTROUS FLOWER-GIRL SELLING RED AND WHITE FAVOURS DURING THE WARS OF THE ROSES.]

* * * * *

[Illustration:  Milliner.  “THAT MODEL IS FIFTEEN GUINEAS, MODOM.”

Customer.  “HOW MUCH WOULD IT BE IF THE FEATHER WERE REMOVED?”

Milliner.  “FIFTEEN-AND-A-HALF GUINEAS, MODOM.  YOU SEE, LABOUR IS SO DEAR.”]

* * * * *

ON THE HIGH C.’S.

  Doubtless you have often heard
  Of the thrush, that gladsome bird,
  Who will warble any day,
  Be it cold or wet or gray. 
  I suppose her mother taught her
  That the worms are fond of water,
  So that neither sleet nor slush
  Bridles that eupeptic thrush.

  Such a one was Johnny Carr
  (Sub-Lieutenant R.N.R.). 
  I have never caught him yet
  Out of sorts when it was wet;
  He will hum when tempests howl,
  Whistle midst the thunder’s growl,
  And I’ve seen him sing for joy,
  Clinging to a punctured buoy,
  While his gallant T.B.D. 
  Sank beside him in the sea.

  No one knows exactly when or
  Why he came to call it tenor,
  But the fact remains he sang
  With a subtle nasal twang
  Just because he liked to do so
  (He was Carr, but not CARUSO),
  And with such a force of lung
  That, whatever tune he sung,
  It was like a projectile
  With a range of twenty mile.

  ’Twas the thirty-first of May. 
  On that memorable day,
  Flitting like a restless ghost
  Somewhere off the Danish coast,
  His destroyer, all agog,
  Butted through the clinging fog,
  When for just a space the gray
  Mists of morning rolled away. 
  Ah! but how their pulses beat
  When they saw the High Seas Fleet
  Nosing noiseless as a dream
  Barely half-a-mile abeam;
  Then the filmy mists anew
  Blotted everything from view. 
  John, astounded at the sight,
  Sang aloud with all his might.

  But the German, seeing nought,
  Only hearing what he thought
  Must be twelve-inch guns at least
  Firing at him from the East,
  Felt that it was time to hook it,
  Saw his chance and boldly took it.

  Northward fast he sailed once more
  Till he heard the Lion roar,
  And before he could retreat he
  Found himself engaged with BEATTY,
  Who, as you already know,
  Led him on to JELLICOE. 
  There I leave him, for, you see,
  All the rest is history.