Death and Mourning
Understanding and adjusting to death and loss at various stages of life.
Almost every child or adolescent faces the death of someone close—a relative, friend, or even a pet—at some point in his or her life. In fact, it is estimated that about 5% of children under age 15, or about 1 in 20, will lose one or both parents.
Parents, caregivers, and teachers can provide support and minimize fear by answering a child's questions about death honestly. Encouraging communication will help the child through the essential grieving period. At one time, well-meaning adults felt that it was in the child's best interests to avoid discussing death. However, research has shown that children cope more successfully with a loss or death if they feel included in the group that has experienced the loss, and share in grieving and mourning.
When listening to a child's observations about death, adults must keep an open mind. A child may respond to the death of a grandmother, who used to make cupcakes for her, by observing that there will be no more cupcakes for dessert. This response could be interpreted as selfish, but it is in fact an expression of the child's loss in her own, very personal, terms. When a child learns of the accidental death of a playmate, he may ask to go out to play. This too may be an expression of the loss, as the chid might want to remember his friend by engaging in the activity the two of them shared. The child's response to loss can be misunderstood by adults, especially by those who are also grieving. By passing judgment on the child's reactions ("I can't believe you said that! Don't you feel sad that Grandma died?"), adults undermine the child's feelings and make the loss even more difficult for the child to handle.
In the days, weeks, and months that follow a death or loss, adults should refrain from criticizing or reacting negatively to the child's feelings. When the child seems to repeat the same questions over and over, the same answers, as open and honest as possible, must be repeated patiently. Young children may express concern, either directly or through behavior, about being abandoned or neglected, or that they may have in some way caused the death. Changes in appetite, complaints of feeling sick, and changes in activity patterns can be indications that the child is worried or anxious. Adults can help a child deal with these fears by acknowledging them and by reassuring the child that he will still be cared for, and that no one can cause a death by thoughts and feelings.
When the death or loss was unanticipated, as in a case of accident or violence, children may grieve longer and more intensely. Sad feelings may resurface over the years when the child experiences the loss anew, such as on holidays or other occasions. When a parent is deeply affected by the death of a loved person, the child may need the steady support of another adult. Books about illness and death can also be helpful. Adults should review the books in advance or ask a librarian, teacher, orcounselor for advice. Issues of concern include age-appropriateness, situation-appropriateness, and religious point of view.
Preschool and School-Age Years
By the time a child is about two and a half or three, he will be able to acknowledge that a death has occurred, but he will not really understand the reality of death. Research indicates that by ages five to seven, children begin to understand that death is permanent. They also begin to acknowledge the universality of death, that it happens to everyone. Around this age, children are often ready to be part of rituals of death, such as visits with the deceased's family, the wake, funeral, or memorial service. Prior to participating in a visit or funeral, it is helpful to prepare the child for the experience, and to explain the purpose of the visit—to grieve and help the family. If a child expresses reluctance to participate in any aspect of the rituals of death, adults should accept his feelings and not exert pressure.
School-aged children can understand what death means, but they may be so overwhelmed that they act as if nothing has happened. Unexpressed feelings may surface as physical symptoms such as stomachache, headache, and unusual complaint of tiredness. Behavior may also change, demonstrated by reluctance to go to school, daydreaming in class, or a decline in academic performance.
Children will both grieve alone and share their grief with others. Families can take a number of actions to support emotional healing, such as openly acknowledging the death, letting children participate in the rituals, and maintaining familiar routines such as school and bedtime activities. Parents should also let children see them grieve. Rather than avoid any mention of the deceased, it may help to display a photograph in a prominent place as a way of letting family members maintain memories. The visual reminder provides a way to help the child understand that it is okay to talk about the person who died.
Adolescence
Teenagers have an adult understanding of death, but may find it even more difficult than younger children to deal with their sorrow. Behavior problems, dropping out of school, physical complaints such as headache or chest pain, sexual promiscuity, and even suicide attempts may result from their feelings of pain and loss. Oftentimes, teenagers are reluctant to talk to adults who may help them through their grief.
The death of a peer—even someone they hardly knew—affects adolescents differently than the death of an older person. They must cope not only with the shock of life's unpredictability, but their own mortality. Families who find that one or more members are having serious trouble coping with a death after a reasonable period of grieving should seek advice from a family physician, counselor, or religious leader.
For Further Study
Books
Buckingham, R. W. Care of the Dying Child: A Practical Guide for Those Who Help Others. New York: Continuum, 1989.
Kubler-Ross, E. On Children and Death. New York: Macmillan, 1983.
Smilansky, S. On Death: Helping Children Understand and Cope. New York: Peter Lang Publishing, 1987.
Webb, N. B., ed. Helping Bereaved Children: A Handbook for Practitioners. New York: Guilford Press, 1993.
Periodicals
Essa, Eva L., Colleen I. Murray, and Joanne Everts. "Death of a Friend." Childhood Education, Spring 1995, vol. 71, no. 3, p. 130.
Smith, Karen, and Karen Boardman. "Comforting a Child When Someone Close Dies." Nursing, October 1995, vol. 25, no. 10, pp. 58+.
Veciana-Suarez, Ana, and Julie Bourland. "A Death in the Family." Parenting, October 1995, vol. 9, no. 8, p. 80(6).
Westmoreland, Paula. "Coping with Death: Helping Students Grieve." Childhood Education, Spring 1996, vol. 72, no. 3, p. 157(4).
Witten, Matthew. "Talking About Death." Parents Magazine, January 1997, vol. 72, no. 1, p. 75(2).
"What Happens When We Die?" Woman's Day, June 27, 1995, vol. 58, no. 11, p. 114.
Selected Children's Books About Death
Brown, M. W. The Dead Bird. New York: Harper and Row, 1985.
Clifton, L. Everett Anderson's Goodbye. New York: Holt, Rinehart & Winston, 1983.
DePaola, Tomie. Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs. New York: Putnam, 1973.
McGraw, S. Love You Forever. Scarborough, Ontario: Firefly Books, 1986.
Tresselt, A. The Dead Tree. New York: Parents' Magazine Press, 1972.
Zolotow, Charlotte. My Grandson Lew. New York: Harper and Row, 1974.
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