Birth Order
The chronological order of sibling birth in a family.
Alfred Adler was a pioneer in the study of birth order, suggesting that social relationships, especially among siblings and between children and parents, significantly impacted the growth and personality of children. Today, birth order research focuses on five ordinal birth positions: first-born, second-born, middle, last, and only-children. Anecdotally, much has been made about the effect of birth order on personality and intelligence, and scientific studies seem to support some notions about birth order and certain personality traits. For example, studies have consistently linked first-born children with higher academic achievement when compared to later-born children. In general, first-born children have been found to be responsible, assertive, and task-oriented, often rising to leadership positions as adults. Second-borns and middle children report feeling inferior to older children because they do not possess the older child's advanced abilities. Often, they will choose to focus their energies in areas different from those in which their siblings are already established.
Middle children have been found to succeed in team sports, and both they and last-borns have been found to be more socially adjusted if they come from large families. Last-borns are generally considered to be the family baby throughout their lives. Because of nurturing from many older family members, last-borns from large families tend to develop strong social and coping skills. As a group, they have been found to be the most successful socially and to have the highest self-esteem of all the birth positions. Only children share the "baby" label with lastborns, but differ in that they grow up relating to only adults in the family. They are achievement-oriented and most likely to attain academic success and attend college. On the other hand, only children tend to have difficulties with interpersonal relationships and are the most likely to be referred for help with psychiatric disorders.
A controversial 1996 book by Frank J. Sulloway focused on the impact birth order has on later life. In his Born to Rebel: Birth Order, Family Dynamics, and Creative Lives, Sulloway stated that children are molded to a far greater degree by their relationships with their siblings than by their relationships with their parents. They spend more time with them, play, fight, and compete forparental attention. Sulloway claimed that sibling rivalry causes siblings to pursue lives that can be dramatically different from each other. He also postulated that younger siblings are often revolutionary thinkers, people capable of altering either the political, artistic, cultural, or intellectual environments of their worlds. These theories caused a considerable stir when they were published and were criticized on many fronts, with opponents citing numerous examples of famous, revolutionary thinkers who were first-borns.
Sibling Rivalry
Sibling rivalry is a normal part of family life. All children become jealous of the love and attention that siblings receive from parents and other adults. When a new baby is brought home, older children feel betrayed by their parents and become angry, directing their anger first toward the parents and later toward the intruder who is usurping their position. Jealousy, resentment, and competition are most intense between siblings spaced less than three years apart. Although a certain amount of sibling rivalry is unavoidable, there are measures that parents can take to reduce its severity and its potential effects on their children.
An older child should be prepared for a new addition to the family by having the situation explained and being told in advance about who will take care of her while her mother is in the hospital having the baby. The child's regular routine should be disturbed as little as possible; it is preferable for the child to stay at home and under the care of the father or another close family member. If there is to be a new babysitter or other caretaker unknown to the child, it is helpful for them to meet at least once in advance. If sibling visits are allowed, the child should be taken to visit the mother and new baby in the hospital.
Once the new baby is home, it is normal for an older child to feel hurt and resentful at seeing the attention lavished on the newcomer by parents, other relatives, and family friends. It is not uncommon for the emotional turmoil of the experience to cause disturbances in eating or sleeping. Some children regress developmentally, temporarily losing such attainments as weaning, bowel and bladder control, or clear speech, in an attempt to regain lost parental attention by becoming babies again themselves.
There are a number of ways to ease the unavoidable jealousy of children whose lives have been disrupted by the arrival of a younger sibling. When friends or relatives visit to see the new baby, parents can make the older child feel better by cuddling him or giving him special attention, including a small present to offset the gifts received by the baby. The older child's self-esteem can be bolstered by involving him in the care of the newborn in modest ways, such as helping out when the baby is being diapered or dressed, or helping push the carriage. The older child should be made to feel proud of the attainments and responsibilities that go along with his more advanced age—things the new baby can't do yet because he is too young. Another way to make older children feel loved and appreciated is to set aside some "quality time" to spend alone with each of them on a regular basis. It is also important for parents to avoid overtly comparing their children to each other, and every effort should be made to avoid favoritism.
In general, the most stressful aspect of sibling rivalry is fighting. (Physical—as opposed to verbal—fights usually peak before the age of five). It is important for parents not to take sides but rather to insist that the children work out disagreements themselves, calling for a temporary "time out" for feelings to cool down, if necessary. Any form of parental involvement in squabbling by siblings can create a triangle that perpetuates hostilities. Over-insistence that siblings share can also be harmful: to retain a sense of individuality, children need some boundaries from their siblings in terms of possessions, territory, and activities. Furthermore, it is especially difficult for very young children to share their possessions.
Parents should take time to praise cooperation and sharing between siblings as a means of positive reinforcement. The fact that siblings quarrel with each other does not necessarily mean that they will be inconsiderate, hostile, or aggressive in their dealings with others outside the family. The security of family often makes children feel free to express feelings and impulses they are unable to in other settings.
For Further Study
Books
Ames, Louise Bates. He Hit Me First: When Brothers and Sisters Fight. New York: Warner Books, 1989.
Dunn, Judy. From One Child to Two. New York: Fawcett Columbine, 1995.
Fishel, Elizabeth. Sisters: Shared Histories, Lifelong Ties. Berkeley, CA: Conari Press, 1994.
Greenberg, Polly. What Do I Do When My Children Don't Get Along? New York: Scholastic, 1997.
McDermott, John F. The Complete Book on Sibling Rivalry. New York: Putnam, 1987.
Strean, Herbert S., and Lucy Freeman. Raising Cain: How to Help Your Children Achieve a Happy Sibling Relationship. New York: Facts on File Publications, 1988.
Periodicals
Boynton, Robert. "Birth of an Idea," The New Yorker, vol. 72, no. 30, October 7, 1996, pp. 72-81.
Brazelton, T. Berry. "First Born, Middle Child, Baby: How to Bring Out Your Child's Best," Family Circle, vol. 107, no. 8, June 7, 1994, pp. 42-44.
Brubach, Holly. "Born to be Wild," New York Times Magazine, December 15, 1996, p. 67.
Wolfe, Alan. "Up From Scientism: What Birth Order And Darwin Can't Explain." The New Republic, vol. 215, no. 26, December 23, 1996, p. 29+.
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