“I wudden’t mind havin’ a little”—­began Mr. Hennessy.

“I don’t mean what you mean,” said Mr. Dooley.  “Will ye have th’ avenin’ paper or a little iv th’ old stuff off th’ shelf?”

THE TARIFF

“Well, sir, ‘tis a gr-r-rand wurruk thim Sinitors an’ Congressmen are doin’ in Wash’n’ton.  Me heart bleeds fr th’ poor fellows, steamin’ away undher th’ majestic tin dome iv th’ capitol thryin’ to rejooce th’ tariff to a weight where it can stand on th’ same platform with me frind big Bill without endangerin’ his life.  Th’ likes iv ye wud want to see th’ tariff rejooced with a jack plane or an ice pick.  But th’ tariff has been a good frind to some iv thim boys an’ it’s a frind iv frinds iv some iv th’ others an’ they don’t intend to be rough with it.  A little gentle massage to rejooce th’ most prom’nent prochooberances is all that is nicissry.  Whiniver they rub too hard an’ th’ tariff begins to groan, Sinitor Aldhrich says:  ’Go a little asier there, boys.  He’s very tender in some iv thim schedules.  P’raps we’d betther stop f’r th’ day an’ give him a little nourishment to build him up,’ he says.  An’ th’ last I heerd about it, th’ tariff was far fr’m bein’ th’ wan an’ emacyated crather ye’d like to see comin’ out iv th’ Sinit chamber.  It won’t have to be helped onto ye’er back an’ ye won’t notice anny reduction in its weight.  No, sir, I shudden’t be surprised if it was heartier thin iver.

“Me congressman sint me a copy iv th’ tariff bill th’ other day.  He’s a fine fellow, that congressman iv mine.  He looks afther me inthrests well.  He knows what a gr-reat reader I am.  I don’t care what I read.  So he sint me a copy iv th’ tariff bill an’ I’ve been studyin’ it f’r a week.  ’Tis a good piece iv summer lithrachoor.  ‘Tis full iv action an’ romance.  I haven’t read annythink to akel it since I used to get th’ Dead-wood Dick series.

“I’m in favor iv havin’ it read on th’ Foorth iv July instead iv th’ declaration iv indypindance.  It gives ye some idee iv th’ kind iv gloryous governmint we’re livin’ undher, to see our fair Columbia puttin’ her brave young arms out an’ defindin’ th’ products iv our soil fr’m steel rails to porous plasthers, hooks an’ eyes, artyficial horse hair an’ bone casings, which comes undher th’ head iv clothin’ an’ I suppose is a polite name f’r pantaloons.

“Iv coorse, low people like ye, Hinnissy, will kick because it’s goin’ to cost ye more to indulge ye’er taste in ennervating luxuries.  D’ye know Sinitor Aldhrich?  Ye dont?  I’m surprised to hear it.  He knows ye.  Why, he all but mentions ye’er name in two or three places.  He does so.  ’Tis as if he said:  ‘This here vulgar plutycrat, Hinnissy, is turnin’ th’ heads iv our young men with his garish display.  Befure this, counthries have perished because iv th’ ostintation iv th’ arrystocracy.  We must presarve th’ ideels iv American simplicity.  We’ll show