DIVORCE

“Well, sir,” said Mr. Dooley, “I see they’ve been holdin’ a Divoorce Congress.”

“What’s that?” asked Mr. Hennessy.

“Ye wudden’t know,” said Mr. Dooley.  “Divoorce is th’ on’y luxury supplied be th’ law that we don’t injye in Ar-rchey Road.  Up here whin a marrid couple get to th’ pint where ’tis impossible f’r thim to go on livin’ together they go on livin’ together.  They feel that way some mornin’ in ivry month, but th’ next day finds thim still glarin’ at each other over th’ ham an’ eggs.  No wife iver laves her husband while he has th’ breath iv life in him, an’ anny gintleman that took a thrip to Reno in ordher to saw off th’ housekeepin’ expinses on a rash successor wud find throuble ready f’r him whin he come back to Ar-rchey Road.  No, sir, whin our people grab hands at th’ altar, they’re hooked up f’river.  There’s on’y wan decree iv divoorce that th’ neighbors will recognize, an’ that’s th’ wan that entitles ye to ride just behind th’ pall bearers.  That’s why I’m a batch.  ‘Tis th’ fine skylark iv a timprary husband I’d make, bringin’ home a new wife ivry Foorth iv July an’ dischargin’ th’ old wan without a charackter.  But th’ customs iv th’ neighbors are agin it.

“But ’tis diff’rent with others, Hinnissy.  Down be Mitchigan Avnoo marredge is no more bindin’ thin a dhream.  A short marrid life an’ an onhappy wan is their motto.  Off with th’ old love an’ on with th’ new an’ off with that.  ‘Till death us do part,’ says th’ preacher.  ‘Or th’ jury,’ whispers th’ blushin’ bride.

“Th’ Divoorce Congress, Hinnissy, that I’m tellin’ ye about was assembled to make th’ divoorce laws iv all th’ States th’ same.  It’s a tur-rble scandal as it is now.  A man shakes his wife in wan State on’y to be grabbed be her an’ led home th’ minyit he crosses th’ border.  There’s no safety f’r anny wan.  In some places it’s almost impossible f’r a man to get rid iv his fam’ly onless he has a good raison.  There’s no regularity at all about it.  In Kentucky baldness is grounds f’r divoorce; in Ohio th’ inclemency iv th’ weather.  In Illinye a woman can be freed fr’m th’ gallin’ bonds iv mathrimony because her husband wears Congress gaiters; in Wisconsin th’ old man can get his maiden name back because his wife tells fortunes in th’ taycup.

“In Nebrasky th’ shackles ar-re busted because father forgot to wipe his boots; in New York because mother knows a Judge in South Dakota.  Ye can be divoorced f’r annything if ye know where to lodge th’ complaint.  Among th’ grounds ar-re snorin’, deefness, because wan iv th’ parties dhrinks an’ th’ other doesn’t, because wan don’t dhrink an’ th’ other does, because they both dhrink, because th’ wife is addicted to sick headaches, because he asked her what she did with that last $10 he give her, because he knows some wan else, because she injyes th’ society iv th’ young, because he f’rgot to wind th’ clock.  A husband can get a divoorce because he has more money thin he had; a wife because he has less.  Ye can always get a divoorce f’r what Hogan calls incompatibility iv temper.  That’s whin husband an’ wife ar-re both cross at th’ same time.  Ye’d call it a tiff in ye’er fam’ly, Hinnissy.