10:05—­Enter King’s carriage.  Try to drop flowers under carriage unobserved.  Foreign Minister picks them up with gallant remark.

10:06—­Shake hands with Foreign Minister.  In his emotional foreign manner he insists on taking both hands.  Quick work:  Umbrella to right elbow, gloves left pocket, hat under right arm, flowers to right pocket.

10:08—­Received by Lord Mayor, who offers freedom of the city in golden casket.  Casket in left hand, Lord Mayor in right hand Queen on left arm, umbrella on right arm flowers and gloves bursting from pockets hat (momentarily) on head.

10:10—­Delegation of statesmen.  Statesmen in right hand.  Hat, umbrella, gloves, King, flowers, casket in left hand.  Situation getting complicated.

10:15—­Ceremonial reception by Queen Mother.  Getting confused.  Queen Mother in left pocket, umbrella on head, gloves on right hand, hat in left hand, King on head, flowers in trousers pocket.  Casket under left arm.

10:17—­Complete collapse.  Failure of the League of Nations.

DIARY OF A PUBLISHER’S OFFICE BOY

Jan. 7, 1600.  Thys daye ye Bosse bade mee remaine in ye Outer Office to keepe Callers from Hinderyng Hym in Hys affaires.  There came an olde Bumme (ye same wch hath beene heare before) wth ye Scrypte of a Playe, dubbed Roumio ande Julia.  Hys name was Shake a Speare or somethynge lyke thatt.  Ye Bosse bade mee reade ye maunuscripp myselfe, as hee was Bussy.  I dyd.  Ande of alle foulishnesse, thys playe dyd beare away ye prize.  Conceive ye Absuerditye of laying ye Sceane in Italy, it ys welle knowne that Awdiences will not abear nothyng that is not sett neare at Home.  Butt woarse stille, thys fellowe presumes to kille offe Boath Heroe ande Heroine in ye Laste Acte, wch is Intolerabble toe ye Publicke.  Suerley noe chaunce of Success in thys.  Ye awthour dyd reappeare in ye aufternoone, and dyd seeke to borrowe a crowne from mee, but I sente hym packing.  Ye Bosse hath heartilye given me Styx forr admitting such Vagabones to ye Office.  I tolde maister Shake a Speare that unlesse hee colde learne to wryte Beste Sellers such as Master Spenser’s Faerye Quene (wch wee have put through six editions) there was suerly noe Hope for hym.  Hee tooke thys advyse in goode parte, and wente.  Hys jerkin wolde have beene ye better for a patchinge.

THE DOG’S COMMANDMENTS

[Illustration]

From a witless puppy I brought thee up:  gave thee fire and food, and taught thee the self-respect of an honest dog.  Hear, then, my commandments: 

I am thy master:  thou shalt have no other masters before me.  Where I go, shalt thou follow; where I abide, tarry thou also.

My house is thy castle; thou shalt honor it; guard it with thy life if need be.

By daylight, suffer all that approach peaceably to enter without protest.  But after nightfall thou shalt give tongue when men draw near.