In an odd chain of events, a man and wife were brutally murdered today. Bernadette (36) and Albert (41) Clemens were reportedly visiting local marriage counselor Elizabeth Harding. The couple had been having irreconcilable differences, says the now deranged psychiatrist.

The Clemens began attending counseling sessions after a particularly silly argument, in which they began to play the "silent game" because neither wanted to get up and bar the door. The two sat in complete silence for hours until two thieves came into the couple's home. The crooks then ate the food, drank the wine, and sexually assaulted Bernadette. It was not until the two men attempted to shave Albert with hot pudding and a butter knife that he finally spoke up. And when he finally spoke up, Bernadette had one thing to say, `You spoke, so bar the door.'

The next day they made...