This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days; all which time I saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition, but yet was provoked to a vehement hunger and desire to be one of that number that did sit in the sunshine; now also would I pray wherever I was, whether at home or abroad, in house or field; and would also often, with lifting up of heart, sing that of the fifty-first Psalm, “O Lord, consider my distress;” for as yet I knew not where I was.

Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortahle persuasion that I had faith in Christ; hut instead of having satisfaction here, I began to find my soul to be assaulted with fresh doubts about my future happiness; especially with such as these:  “Whether I was elected;” “But how if the day of grace should be past and gone?”

Now was I in great distress, thinking in very deed that this might well be so:  wherefore I went up and down bemoaning my sad condition; counting myself far worse than a thousand fools for standing off thus long, and spending so many years in sin as I had done; still crying out, “O that I had turned sooner!  O that I had turned seven years ago!” It made me also angry with myself to think that I should have no more wit but to trifle away my time till my soul and heaven were lost.

But when I had been long vexed with this fear, and was scarce able to take one step more, these words broke in upon my mind:  “Compel them to come in, that my house may he filled; and yet there is room.”  These words, but especially these, “and yet there is room,” were sweet words to me; for truly I thought that by them I saw there was place enough in heaven for me, and moreover, that when the Lord Jesus spake these words, he did then think of me; and that he knowing that the time would come that I should be afflicted with fear that there was no place left for me in his bosom, did before speak this word and leave it upon record, that I might find help thereby against this vile temptation.

How lovely now in my eyes were all those that I thought to be converted men and women.  They shone, they walked like a people that carried the broad seal of heaven about them.  Oh, I saw the lot was fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodly heritage.  But that which made me sick, was that of Christ in Mark 3:13, “He went up into a mountain, and called unto him whom he would; and they came unto him.”  This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire in my soul.  That which made me fear was this, lest Christ should have no liking to me; for he called “whom he would.”  But Oh, the glory that I saw in that condition did still so engage my heart, that I could seldom read of any that Christ did call; but I presently wished, “Would I had been in their clothes; would I had been born Peter; would I had been born John; or would I had been by and had heard him when he called them, how would I have cried, ’O Lord, call me also.’” But Oh, I feared he would not call me.