MOE REISS:  No, let them come.  I am here to see my wife and here
I shall remain.

GLADYS:  But for our child’s sake.  See, he holds up his little hands and pleads for you to go. (PHONSIE in pugilistic attitude.)

PHONSIE:  Say, pop, if you don’t get a wiggle on and duck in there, there’ll be something doing. (Business.)

MOE REISS:  My boy, I can refuse you nothing. (Exits.)

GLADYS:  (At door C.) They are sneaking up, on rubbers! (To PHONSIE.) Lie down, Fido. (Guarding door R. Enter ALGERNON and BIRDIE, Door C.)

ALGERNON:  There’s some hellish mystery here!

BIRDIE:  You can search me.

ALGERNON:  (Sees GLADYS.) Aha!  Now will you sign those papers?

GLADYS:  Never. (Bus.) I’ll sign nothing. (Down R.)

ALGERNON:  (Takes carrot from his hip pocket.) You won’t?  There, curse you, take that. (Hits her in neck with carrot.)

GLADYS:  In the neck!  In the neck, where I always get it!

ALGERNON:  (Center.) Quick, Birdie, seize the child and run.

BIRDIE:  (Left, looks scornfully at PHONSIE.) You’ve got your nerve. 
He weighs a ton!!

PHONSIE:  Oh!  She’s going to kidnap me!!  Assistance!!

ALGERNON:  Silence!!  Enough!! (To GLADYS.) I have just come from the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

GLADYS:  Well?

ALGERNON:  I have reported to them that your child has the heaves.

GLADYS:  Well?

ALGERNON:  The Society is sending a horse ambulance to take him to the dump.

GLADYS:  Dump?  To the dump?!!!  No, no, it’s a cruel, hideous jest!  Take away my little dying boy?  It would kill him, you understand, it would kill him!!

PHONSIE:  (Toughly.) Sure, it would kill me!! (Bites off big chew of Tobacco.)

ALGERNON:  Nevertheless, in five minutes the horse ambulance will be here.

GLADYS:  Oh no! no! no!  What if my child should die?

ALGERNON:  Then they will make glue out of his carcass.

GLADYS:  Glue.  Aw! (Shakes snow on herself from box hanging over the table L.)

PHONSIE:  I don’t want to be no glue, mommer, I’d be all stuck up.

GLADYS:  (Goes C. to PHONSIE.) Why this fiendish plot?  What have
I done that you thus pursue me?

ALGERNON:  (R.  C.) You repulsed my hellish caresses.

GLADYS:  Oh, I will do anything to save my child.  I’ll try to love you. . . .  I will love!  See? (Business.) (Into his arms.) I love you now!

MOE REISS:  (Enter, center.) What’s this?  My wife in that man’s arms?  Oh! (Crosses L.)

GLADYS:  (At right, to MOE REISS.) Oh, Moe, I can explain. (Grabs his throat and shakes him.)

MOE REISS:  (To GLADYS.) Explain!!!  How?  I go away and desert you for eight years. (Turns from her and goes L.) In that short absence you forget your husband. (Turns to her.) I return to find you in his arms, before my very nose. (Smashes PHONSIE in face.) (Business.) (He sees BIRDIE.) You, Birdie!