Then, too, I felt that a great task must be taken up in a certain buoyancy and cheerfulness of spirit, not in heaviness and diffidence.  There are, of course, instances where a work reluctantly undertaken has been crowned with astonishing success.  But one has no business to think that reluctance and diffidence to undertake a great work are a proof that God intends one to do it.

I am quite aware of the danger which a temperament like my own runs, of dealing with such a situation in too complex and subtle a way.  That is the hardest thing of all to get rid of, because it is part of the very texture of one’s mind.  I have tried, however, to see the whole thing in as simple a light as possible, and to ask myself whether acceptance was in any sense a plain duty.  If the offer had been a constraining appeal, I should have doubted.  But it was made in an easy, complimentary way, as if there was no doubt that I should fall in with it.

Well, I had a very anxious day; but I simply (I may say that to you) prayed that my way might be made clear; and the result was a conviction, which rose like a star and then, as it were, waxed into a sun, that the quest was not for me.

And so I refused; and I am thankful to say that I have had, ever since, the blessed and unalterable conviction that I have done right.  Even the conveniences have ceased to appeal to me; they have not even, like the old Adam in the Pilgrim’s Progress, pinched hold of me and given me a deadly twitch.  Though the picturesque mind of one who, like myself, is very sensitive to “the attributes of awe and majesty,” takes a certain peevish pleasure in continuing to depict my unworthy self clothed upon with majesty, and shaking all Olympus with my nod.

But if Olympus had refused to shake, even though I had nodded like a mandarin?

I am sure that I shall not regret it; and I do not even think that my conscience will reproach me; nor do I think that (on this ground alone) I shall be relegated to the dark circle of the Inferno with those who had a great opportunity given them and would not use it.

Please confirm me if you can!  Comfort me with apples, as the Song says.  I am afraid you will only tell me that it proves that you are right, and that I have no ambition.—­Ever yours,

T. B.

Upton,
June 4, 1904.

Dear Herbert,—­I have nothing to write about.  The summer is come, and with it I enter into purgatory; I am poured out like water, and my heart is like melting wax; I have neither courage nor kindness, except in the early morning or the late evening.  I cannot work, and I cannot be lazy.  The only consolation I have—­and I wish it were a more sustaining one—­is that most people like hot weather better.