I must almost thank you for the alarming New Year’s greeting which you sent to me.  I believe it has been beneficial to me; I am aware that I have too little control over myself, and rely upon the patience of others to an undue extent.  An occasional lesson, therefore, does me good.  Although I remain firmly convinced that you have misunderstood me in one essential point (as, indeed, well you might), I feel, nevertheless, that I must have cut a very ugly figure.  That was proved to me by the effect I had upon you, for we know little of our appearance until we see ourselves in a looking-glass, and in your irritation I recognized my ugliness.  These attacks of my violence ought surely to have calmed down by this time; indeed, I long for that unruffled calm which I esteem so highly and recognize to be the finest quality in man.  It appears to me that I have arrived at the turning point of my life, and I deeply long for a state of quiescence.  I am aware that that quiescence must, at last, come from the inner man, and our position towards the outer world must become one of apathy, if nothing from there contributes to the contentment of our mind.  Let us see then.

I am intent at present upon gaining a clear and definite view of my fate.  My mental disposition you know from my letter to M. As regards external matters, after mature consideration, I am taking every step to place my future relations with Germany on the necessary definite basis.  I heard from Dresden that the king would on no account swerve from his decision to reserve the amnesty for those who had submitted to the investigation and judgment of the law-courts.  I was advised to submit to that condition, but after mature consideration, and after weighing all the chances, I am firmly resolved never to fulfil that condition.  In order to do all that was possible, I lately wrote to the Minister of Justice, asking him to discuss the matter with the King once more.  This measure was suggested to me by my latest experience in this place.  I ought to tell you and the Grand Duke for your satisfaction that, by desire of the Saxon Government, I was to be banished from here.  I was advised to submit unconditionally, but to send a medical certificate to the Governor-General, praying that I might be allowed to stay for a few months longer for urgent reasons of health.  For the moment this has answered, and I am allowed to stay.  If I refuse to be examined or perhaps to be locked up a few months in Saxony, I base that refusal towards the Government entirely upon my state of health, which I need only exaggerate a little in order to show good and sufficient cause for my refusal.  In other respects I submit most humbly to the decree pronounced against me, recognize my guilt and the justice of the proceedings without reserve—­and only ask H.M. to remit the conditions of my amnesty by an exceptional act of grace on account of my health, which has become so weak that the doctor has strongly advised