The same evening the Duke d’ Aumont sent to desire me to be at the palace the next day at eleven o’clock, when he would present me to the king.  M. de Cury, who delivered me the message, added that he thought a pension was intended, and that his majesty wished to announce it to me himself.  Will it be believed that the night of so brilliant a day was for me a night of anguish and perplexity?  My first idea, after that of being presented, was that of my frequently wanting to retire; this had made me suffer very considerably at the theatre, and might torment me the next day when I should be in the gallery, or in the king’s apartment, amongst all the great, waiting for the passing of his majesty.  My infirmity was the principal cause which prevented me from mixing in polite companies, and enjoying the conversation of the fair.  The idea alone of the situation in which this want might place me, was sufficient to produce it to such a degree as to make me faint away, or to recur to means to which, in my opinion, death was much preferable.  None but persons who are acquainted with this situation can judge of the horror which being exposed to the risk of it inspires.

I then supposed myself before the king, presented to his majesty, who deigned to stop and speak to me.  In this situation, justness of expression and presence of mind were peculiarly necessary in answering.  Would my timidity which disconcerts me in presence of any stranger whatever, have been shaken off in presence of the King of France; or would it have suffered me instantly to make choice of proper expressions?  I wished, without laying aside the austere manner I had adopted, to show myself sensible of the honor done me by so great a monarch, and in a handsome and merited eulogium to convey some great and useful truth.  I could not prepare a suitable answer without exactly knowing what his majesty was to say to me; and had this been the case, I was certain that, in his presence, I should not recollect a word of what I had previously meditated.  “What,” said I, “will become of me in this moment, and before the whole court, if, in my confusion, any of my stupid expressions should escape me?” This danger alarmed and terrified me.  I trembled to such a degree that at all events I was determined not to expose myself to it.

I lost, it is true, the pension which in some measure was offered me; but I at the same time exempted myself from the yoke it would have imposed.  Adieu, truth, liberty, and courage!  How should I afterwards have dared to speak of disinterestedness and independence?  Had I received the pension I must either have become a flatterer or remained silent; and, moreover, who would have insured to me the payment of it!  What steps should I have been under the necessity of taking!  How many people must I have solicited!  I should have had more trouble and anxious cares in preserving than in doing without it.  Therefore, I thought I acted according to my principles by refusing, and sacrificing appearances to reality.  I communicated my resolution to Grimm, who said nothing against it.  To others I alleged my ill state of health, and left the court in the morning.