“Phansy my feelinx.”

“Immagin when these unfortnat members of my famly hentered the room:  you may phansy the ixtonnishment of the nobil company presnt.  Old Grann looked round the room quite estounded by its horiental splender, and huncle Bill (pulling off his phantail, & seluting the company as respeckfly as his wulgar natur would alow) says—­’Crikey, Jeames, you’ve got a better birth here than you ad where you were in the plush and powder line.’  ‘Try a few of them plovers hegs, sir,’ I says, whishing, I’m asheamed to say, that somethink would choke huncle B—–­; ’and I hope, mam, now you’ve ad the kindniss to wisit me, a little refreshment won’t be out of your way.’

“This I said, detummind to put a good fase on the matter:  and because in herly times I’d reseaved a great deal of kindniss from the hold lady, which I should be a roag to forgit.  She paid for my schooling; she got up my fine linning gratis; shes given me many & many a lb; and manys the time in appy appy days when me and Maryhann has taken tea.  But never mind that.  ‘Mam,’ says I, ‘you must be tired hafter your walk.’

“‘Walk?  Nonsince, Jeames,’ says she; ’it’s Saturday, & I came in, in the cart.’  ‘Black or green tea, maam?’ says Fitzwarren, intarupting her.  And I will say the feller showed his nouce & good breeding in this difficklt momink; for he’d halready silenced huncle Bill, whose mouth was now full of muffinx, am, Blowny sausag, Perrigole pie, and other dellixies.

“‘Wouldn’t you like a little somethink in your tea, Mam,’ says that sly wagg Cinqbars.  ‘He knows what I likes,’ replies the hawfle hold Lady, pinting to me, (which I knew it very well, having often seen her take a glass of hojous gin along with her Bohee), and so I was ableeged to horder Fitzwarren to bring round the licures, and to help my unfortnit rellatif to a bumper of Ollands.  She tost it hoff to the elth of the company, giving a smack with her lipps after she’d emtied the glas, which very nearly caused me to phaint with hagny.  But, luckaly for me, she didn’t igspose herself much farther:  for when Cinqbars was pressing her to take another glas, I cried out, ‘Don’t, my lord,’ on which old Grann hearing him edressed by his title, cried out, ‘A Lord! o law!’ and got up and made him a cutsy, and coodnt be peswaded to speak another word.  The presents of the noble gent heavidently made her uneezy.

“The Countiss on my right and had shownt symtms of ixtream disgust at the beayvior of my relations, and having called for her carridg, got up to leave the room, with the most dignified hair.  I, of coarse, rose to conduct her to her weakle.  Ah, what a contrast it was!  There it stood, with stars and garters hall hover the pannels; the footmin in peach-colored tites; the hosses worth 3 hundred apiece;—­and there stood the horrid linnen-cart, with ’Mary Blodder, Laundress, Ealing, Middlesex,’ wrote on the bord, and waiting till my abandind old parint should come out.