want is to keep it nearer hooam, to let less on it goa to th’ ale haase, to spend less o’ dog feightin’, pigeon flyin’, an’ rat worryin’; an’ if they’d niver spend owt withaat think in’ whether it wor for ther gooid or net, they’d find a deal moor brass i’th’ drawer corner at th’ month end, an’ varry likely a nice little bit to fall back on i’th’ Savings bank at th’ year end.  An a chap stands hauf an inch heigher when he’s a bankbook in his pocket; an’ butchers and grocers varry sooin begin to nod at him, an’ ax if they can do owt for him.  But if he goas on th’strap, an’ happens to be a month behund, he’s foorced to stand o’ one side till iverybody else gets sarved, an’ then if he doesn’t like what’s left they tell him to goa leave it.  It isn’t what a chap addles, it’s what a chap saves ’at makes him rich.

Sellin’ drink has made mony a chap rich, an suppin it has made thaasands poor.  But still aw must honestly say ’at aw cannot agree wi’ teetotalism altogether.  If noa men gate drunken, ther’d be noa need for anybody to sign th’ pledge;—­an’ aw dooant think they goa th’ reight way to get fowk to be sober.  They publish papers, but what use is made on em?  Yo hardly iver see a midden emptied but what yo’ll find two or three pieces o’th’ “British Workman,” or th’ “Temperance Advocate” flyin’ abaat; an’ they hold meetings an’ spend a sight o’ brass o’ printin’ an’ praichin’, an’ still they doant mak one teetotaller ’at ov a thaasand.  Aw should advise em to try this way.  Let em offer a £500 prize for him ’at can invent a drink as gooid takin’ as ale—­an’ one, ’at willn’t mak fowk drunk.  Chaps mun sup summat when they’re away throo hooam, an it is’nt iverybody’s stumach ‘at’s strong enuff to tak watter, unless it’s let daan wi summat; an’ ther is noa teetotal drink invented yet ’at’s any better nor Spenish-juice-watter.  They’re all like pap.  Coffee an’ tea are all weel enuff, but if yo want that yo munnot goa to a Temperance Hotel for it.  Aw’ye tried it monny a scoor times, but aw niver gate owt fit to sup, an’ if it hadn’t been for th’ drop o’ rum aw gate ’em to put into it, aw couldn’t ha swallowed it.  Tea an’ coffee are things ’at dooant mend wi’ warmin up, an’ yo connot allus wait woll fowk mak it, an’ soa if yo want to sup yo mun awther goa an’ beg a drop o’ watter, or pay fourpence for a glass o’ belly vengeance, or yo mun get a glass o’ drink—­but yo’ve noa need to get a dozzen.  Teetotallers say it contains poison, an’ noa daat it does—­but it’s of a varry slow mak, an’ if yo niver goa to excess yo may live to be a varry owd man, an’ dee befoor it begins to operate, Ther wor once a chap killed hissel wi’ aitin traitle parkin, but that’s noa reason we shouldn’t have a bit o’ brandy-snap at our fair.  Aw allus think a teetotal lecturer is like a bottle o’ pop.  Ther’s a bit ov a crack to ‘start wi’, an’ a gooid deal o’ fooamin, an’ frothin’, an’ fizzin’, but when it’s all ovver, an’ settled daan, what’s left is varry poor stuff.  Still aw think one teetotaller is worth moor nor a ship-load o’ drunkards.