The inventor claimed that the edible portion of the delicacy became detached if the intake of the eater was strong enough, but he overlooked the fact that the necessary force caused the asparagus to pass through the epiglottis into the oesophagus before the eater had time to enjoy the taste (as was proved by experiment) and so all sense of pleasure was lost.

More prospective marriages have been marred through the abuse of asparagus at table than through mixed bathing at Tunbridge Wells.  For instance, though the matter was hushed up at the time, it is an open secret among their friends that Miss Gladys Devereux broke off her engagement to young Percy Gore-Mont on account of his gaucherie when assimilating this weed at a dinner-party.  It seems that he simply threw himself at the stuff, and that one of the servants had to comb the melted butter out of his hair before he could appear in the drawing-room.

The case of the Timminses, too, presents very sad features, though the marriage was not in this case abandoned, the high contracting parties not having once encountered a dish of asparagus simultaneously during the engagement.  Yet it is more than rumoured that when, at the end of the close season, asparagus may be hunted, there is considerable friction in the Timminses’ household, because Mrs. Timmins plays with a straight fork, while Timmins affects the crouching style.

Happily, however, a light at last appears to be shining through the darkness.  Under the auspices of the Vegetable Growers Association (Luxury Trades section) an asparagus eating contest has been arranged to take place in the Floral Hall early in July.  As the entrants to date include a contortionist and at least three well-known war-profiteers it is confidently expected that some startling methods will be exhibited which may revolutionise asparagus-eating in this country.

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    “DUNOON.—­Sitting room and two bedrooms to let for month of Dunoon.”—­
    Scotch Paper.

We welcome the introduction of “rhyming slang” to brighten up the advertisement columns.

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[Illustration:  PARADISE LOST AGAIN?

MR. ASQUITH (to John Bull).  “OF COURSE MESOPOTAMIA IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE,
AND NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN ANXIOUS TO VACATE THE GARDEN OF EDEN; BUT YOU MUST
REFLECT THAT THE COST OF ITS UPKEEP HAS INCREASED ENORMOUSLY SINCE ADAM’S
TIME.”]

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[Illustration:  Lady of the Manor. “HOWDY, BO?  SIT RIGHT DOWN.  I SURE HOPE YOU’RE FEELING FULL OF PEP!  EXCUSE ME, VICAR, BUT I’M PRACTISING A FEW PHRASES SO THAT IN CASE I MEET ANY OF THIS AMERICAN INVASION I CAN MAKE THEM FEEL AT HOME.”]

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A NOTE ON CHESTERFIELDS.