“She was greatly delighted with the Y.M.C.A.” 21

     “I wasn’t so very wrong—­just the slight difference between port
     and present arms” 24

     “The first thing he did was to mix poor dear grandfather a drink”
     25

     “I was tempted to shoot the cartridge out just to make it lighter”
     28

     “One fourth of the entire Pelham field artillery passed over my
     body” 29

     “The procedure, of course, did not go unnoticed” 32

     “This war is going to put a lot of Chinamen out of business” 44

     “I stood side-ways, thus decreasing the possible area of danger” 45

     “I’m a God-fearing sailor man who is doing the best he can to keep
     clean” 48

     “I took him around and introduced him to the rest of the dogs and
     several of the better sort of goats” 49

     “I resumed my slumber, but not with much comfort” 52

     “I lost completely something in the neighborhood of 10,000 men” 53

     “Fogerty came bearing down on me in a cloud of dust” 58

     “For the most part, however, he sat quietly on my lap and sniffed”
     59

     “I carried all the flour to-day that was raised last year in the
     southern section of the State of Montana” 76

     “‘Oh,’ said Tony, ‘I thought this was a restaurant’” 77

     “‘I would still remain in a dense fog,’ I gasped in a low voice” 82

     “‘Buddy’ I came in and ‘Buddy’ I go out” 83

BILTMORE OSWALD

The Diary of A Hapless Recruit

Feb. 23d. “And what,” asked the enlisting officer, regarding me as if I had insulted him, his family and his live stock, “leads you to believe that you are remotely qualified to join the Navy?”

At this I almost dropped my cane, which in the stress of my patriotic preoccupation I had forgotten to leave home.

“Nothing,” I replied, making a hasty calculation of my numerous useless accomplishments, “nothing at all, sir, that is, nothing to speak of.  Of course I’ve passed a couple of seasons at Bar Harbor—­perhaps that—­”

“Bar Harbor!” exploded the officer.  “Bar! bah! bah—­dammit,” he broke off, “I’m bleating.”

“Yes, sir,” said I with becoming humility.  His hostility increased.

“Do you enlist for foreign service?” he snapped.

“Sure,” I replied.  “It will all be foreign to me.”

The long line of expectant recruits began to close in upon us until a thirsty, ingratiating semi-circle was formed around the officer’s desk.  Upon the multitude he glared bitterly.

“Orderly! why can’t you keep this line in some sort of shape?”

“Yes, give the old tosh some air,” breathed a worthy in my ear as he retreated to his proper place.

“What did you do at Bar Harbor?” asked the officer, fixing me with his gaze.