My brother wrote back very decidedly and simply, that he could not propose any one to me as a teacher and educator who would fulfil the requirements I had set forth, and further, he did not think I should ever be able to find such a person; for if one should be found possessing ample knowledge and experience of life in its external aspects, he would be deficient in a vigorous inner life of his own, and in the power to recognise and foster it in himself and his pupils; and, on the other hand, another man who might have this power would be deficient in the first-named (practical) qualities.  I reported the result of my labours.  It caused much disappointment, indeed it could not be otherwise, because the welfare of the children was really sought, in all love and truth, and the highest and best obtainable at that day was desired on their behalf.  The family did not venture to press the post upon me personally, knowing my love of freedom and independence.

So stood matters for several months.  At last, moved by my earnest affection for the lads, and by my care to deserve the confidence with which their mother had entrusted to my hands the provision for their education, I endeavoured to look at things from the point of view of their parents.  This brought me at last to the determination to become myself the educator and teacher of the lads.  After a hard struggle with myself, the hardest and most exhausting I had undergone for a long time, I made known my decision.  It was thankfully received, and understood quite in the spirit which had actuated me in forming it.

I communicated my decision to Gruner, with whom I still kept in the friendliest relation.  He looked at me with downright astonishment, and said, “You will lose all hopes of the position you have so long sought and waited for.”  I replied that I should protect myself as to my position and my relations with others by a very definite written contract.  To which the man of experience retorted, “Certainly, and everything will be punctually fulfilled, so that you cannot say that any one condition of all those you stood out so firmly for has failed to be observed; nevertheless you will find you will lose on all points.”  So spake experienced shrewdness, and what had I to set against it?  I spoke of the educational necessities and wants of these children.  “Good,” said he, “then you will leave your own educational necessities and your own wants out of the question?” How it mortified me, that worldly wisdom should be able to speak thus, and that I was unable to controvert it!  We talked no more about the matter.

And keen as was the internal conflict over this decision and this resolve of mine, equally keen was the external contest which I had to wage in entering on my new post.