“In these circumstances the proprietors of The Daily Mandate have much pleasure in announcing that they will pay the sum of ten thousand pounds to the first man, woman or child in the British Empire who can produce evidence of having received an intelligible telephonic message from Saturn, and a further sum of one hundred thousand pounds to the first person to send a message to that planet and receive a clear reply.  The services of a Board of distinguished experts are being engaged for the purpose of testing and adjudicating all claims.

“Meanwhile the POSTMASTER-GENERAL must go.”

* * * * *

[Illustration:  Indignant Egoist. “BE CAREFUL UP THERE WHAT YOU’RE DROPPING.  THAT PRECIOUS NEARLY HIT ME!”]

* * * * *

    “It may safely be said that there are more millionaires to the square
    yard in Bradford than in any other city in the country, not even
    excepting London or New York.”—­Daily Paper.

The news that Britain has annexed the United States will comfort those who thought it was the other way about.

* * * * *

    “The incessant singing of a cricket in a London church compelled the
    preacher to shorten his sermon.”—­The Children’s Newspaper.

We may now expect increased enthusiasm for the “Sunday Cricket” movement.

* * * * *

A VERMIN OFFENSIVE.

There was a faint scuffling sound behind the wainscot.

“There it is again,” said Araminta.

“Not a doubt of it,” I replied, turning pale.

Thrusting on my hat I rushed up the hill to the Town Hall and asked to see the Clerk of the Borough Council immediately.

“I have reason to suspect,” I said in a hoarse low whisper, as soon as I was shown into the man’s presence, “that our premises are in imminent danger of being infested.  Counsel me as to what I should do.”

“It is your duty as a good citizen to take such steps as may from time to time be necessary and reasonably practicable to destroy the vermin,” he said in a rather weary and mechanical tone.

“I hope I am not one to take my civic duties lightly,” I replied with some hauteur, “but observe that I merely said I had reason to suspect the imminence of the peril.  I should like to know the legal definition of infestment, if you please.  I cannot definitely say that house-breaking has taken place as yet.  I do not know that there has even been petty larceny.  There may have been merely loitering with felonious intent.”

“What is the size of your premises?” he inquired.

“It is more a messuage than a premises,” I explained.  “About twelve feet by ten, I should say—­speaking without the lease.”

“And how many vermin do you expect it to be about to harbour?”