The public will be thrilled to hear that a match has now been arranged between the two lady aspirants for the World’s Patience Championship, viz., Miss Tabitha Templeman, of Bath, and Miss Priscilla J. Jarndyce, of Washington.  To meet the territorial prejudices of both ladies the contest will take place in mid-Atlantic, on a liner.  There will be no seconds, but Miss Templeman will be accompanied by the pet Persian, which she always holds in her lap while playing, and Miss Jarndyce will bring with her the celebrated foot-warmer which is associated with her greatest triumphs.  The vexed question of the allocation of cinema royalties has been settled through the tact of Mr. Manketlow Spefforth, author of Patience for the Impatient.  One lady wanted the royalties to be devoted to a Home for Stray Cats, and the other expressed a desire to benefit the Society for the Preservation of Wild Bird Life.  Mr. Spefforth’s happy compromise is that the money shall be assigned to the Fund in aid of Distressed Spinsters.

Bert Hawkins, of Whitechapel, has expressed his willingness, on suitable terms, to meet T’gumbu, the powerful Matabele, in a twenty-ball contest for the World’s Cokernut-Shying Championship.  There is however a deadlock over details.  T’gumbu’s manager is adamant that the match shall take place in his nominee’s native village of Mpm, but Mr. Hawkins objects, seeing little chance of escaping alive after the victory of which he is so confident.  He says he would “feel more safer like on ’Ampstead ’Eaf.”  Another difficulty is that Mr. Hawkins insists on wearing his fiancee’s headgear while competing, and this is regarded by T’gumbu as savouring of witchcraft.  Mr. Hawkins generously offers his opponent permission to wear any article of his wives’ clothing; but the coloured candidate quite reasonably retorts that this concession is practically valueless.  On one point fortunately there is unaniminity:  both parties are firm that all bad nuts must be replaced.

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ANOTHER ASIAN MYSTERY.

“OLD AND RARE PAINTINGS.  Exquisite works of old Indian art.  Mytholo-Roast Beef or Pork:  Bindaloo Sausages gical, Historical, Mediaeval.”—­Englishman (Calcutta).

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    “Two capable young gentlemen desire Posts in good families as
    Companions, ladies or children; mending, hairdressing, decorations;
    willing to travel; in or near London.”—­Daily Paper.

What did they do in the Great War?

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    “One of the exquisite features was the presence of the Deacon’s wives. 
    We had 83 upon our Roll of Honour, and of these 36 turned up.”—­Parish
    Magazine.

The other forty-seven being presumably engaged in looking after the Deacon.

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