My friend can be very plain-spoken when the spirit moves him.

[Illustration:  “YOU ARE NOW REGISTERING THE PRELIMINARY WARNINGS—­” Page 87]

“Say, listen to me,” he snapped, “or better still, you’d better write down what I’m about to say and stick it in your hat where you can find it and consult it when your mind begins wandering again.  Those special mechanical devices to reduce fat people are contrived for the benefit of men and lazy women who are too slothful to take exercise or else too besotted in the matter of food indulgence to face the alternative of dieting.  They may not do any harm—­properly operated, they probably do not—­but, at best, I would regard them as being merely temporary expedients specially devised as first aid to the incurably lazy.

“And as for pills and boluses and bottled goods guaranteed to reduce your weight, and as for all these patented treatments and proprietary preparations which you see boosted in the papers—­bah!  Either they are harmless mixtures, in which event they’ll probably do you no serious injury, but will certainly do you no real good; or else they contain drugs which, taken to excess, may cut you down in size, but have the added drawback of very probably cutting short your life.

“No, sir-ree!  For you it’s dieting, now and from now on.  You may be able to relax your diet in time, but you can never altogether forego it.  Give us this day our daily diet—­that’s your proper prayer.  And you’d better start praying pretty soon, too!”

“All right, doc,” I said resignedly.  “You’ve practically converted me.  I can’t say I’m happy over the prospect, but if you say so I’m prepared to become a true believer.  But since, between us, we’re about to take all the joy out of life, let’s be thorough.  What must I do to be saved?  Give me the horrible details right here.  I might as well hear the worst at one session.”

“I’m no dietitian,” he said.  “I don’t profess to be one.  That’s not my line—­my line is the diagnostic.  Of course I could lay down a few broad general rules for your guidance—­any experienced practitioner could do that—­but to get the best returns you should consult a diet specialist.  However, in parting—­I have several paying guests waiting for me and we are now about to part—­I will throw in one more bit of advice without charge.  No matter what suggestions you may get from any quarter, I would urge you not to follow any banting formula so rigorous as to take off your superfluous flesh very rapidly.  Take your time about it.  If you live as long as both of us hope you may you’ll have plenty of time.  There’s no rush, so go at it gradually.  Be regular about it, but don’t be too ambitious at the outset.  Don’t try to turn yourself into a tricky sprite in two weeks.  For a fat man too abruptly to strip the flesh off his bones I regard as dangerous.  It weakens him and depletes his powers of resistance and makes him fair game for any stray microbe which may be cruising about looking for a place to set up housekeeping.”