I trust I have done with Sir CHARLES for ever!—­especially if he speaks the truth in saying that “following my tips has ruined him”—­for why should any woman burden herself with an impecunious husband?  He does not know where I am, and I feel still more secure in my retreat from having just heard that he has engaged the services of several of the most prominent London Detectives to trace me!

Owing no devotion now to Sir CHARLES—­who will appreciate the following tender lines with which I close my letter—­

  O woman! in our hours of ease,
  Thou art not very hard to please! 
  Thou takest what the gods may send;
  But, thwarted!—­thou wilt turn and rend!

I am able to subscribe myself, dear Mr. Punch,

Yours more devotedly than ever,

LADY GAY.

[From internal evidence, we are inclined to believe that this present letter, or the one last week from “Sir CHARLES,” is a forgery.  In former correspondence Lady GAY mentioned “Lord ARTHUR” as her husband.  We pause for an explanation.—­ED.]

* * * * *

PROVERB FOR VOCALISTS, A PROPOS OF SIR JOSEPH BARNBY’S REMARKS ON ARTICULATION.—­“Take care of the sense, and the sounds will take care of themselves.”

* * * * *

Why is pepper essential to the health of the new LORD MAYOR?—­Because without “Kn.” (cayenne) he would be “ill.”

* * * * *

[Illustration:  NATURE AND ART.

A.R.A. “BY GEORGE, THIS VIEW’S MAGNIFICENT!  I SAY, FLUFFER, YOU REALLY OUGHT TO HAVE THOSE WOODS PAINTED.”

Mr. Fluffer (late in the Upholstery line, retired.) “’M—­M.  DO YOU THINK THAT WOULD IMPROVE ’EM?  WHAT COLOUR, NOW?”]

* * * * *

LEFT TO THE LADIES.

MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,

Everyone—­I mean everyone with a right mind—­will sympathise with those nice people at Bristol who have been holding a “Woman’s Conference.”  So kind and thoughtful of them, isn’t it?  I notice that Lady BATTERSEA gave a spirited account of a Confederation of Temperance of some thirty villages in Norfolk.  The dear, good inhabitants are to keep off the allurements of drink by “listening to such shining lights as Canon WILBERFORCE, and social teas, processions with banners, and magic-lanterns, play their part.”  How they are to listen to the teas, processions and lanterns, I don’t quite understand, in spite of the fact that they (the aforesaid teas, &c.) seem to be “playing their parts.”  Evidently teas, &c., are amateur Actors.

Then somebody who described herself as “a nobody from nowhere,” is said to have “touched a moving chord, as she spoke with great feeling of the sympathy and the moral help the poor give back to those who work among them.”  What “moving chord?” Sounds like a bell-rope!