Humorous Masterpieces from American Literature eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 220 pages of information about Humorous Masterpieces from American Literature.

Humorous Masterpieces from American Literature eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 220 pages of information about Humorous Masterpieces from American Literature.

“‘The effect of beer,’ said he, ’depends, I think, on the commixture of the nourishing principle of the grain with the cooling properties of the water.  Perhaps, hereafter, a liquid food of the same character may be invented, which shall save us from mastication and all the diseases of the teeth.’

“Hollins and Shelldrake, at his invitation, divided a bottle between them, and he took a second.  The potent beverage was not long in acting on a brain so unaccustomed to its influence.  He grew unusually talkative and sentimental, in a few minutes.

“‘Oh, sing, somebody!’ he sighed in hoarse rapture:  ’the night was made for Song.’

“Miss Ringtop, nothing loath, immediately commenced, ’When stars are in the quiet skies’; but scarcely had she finished the first verse before Abel interrupted her.

“‘Candor’s the order of the day, isn’t it?’ he asked.

“‘Yes!’ ‘Yes!’ two or three answered.

“‘Well, then,’ said he, ’candidly, Pauline, you’ve got the darn’dest squeaky voice’—­

“Miss Ringtop gave a faint little scream of horror.

“‘Oh, never mind!’ he continued.  ’We act according to impulse, don’t we?  And I’ve the impulse to swear; and it’s right.  Let Nature have her way.  Listen!  Damn, damn, damn, damn!  I never knew it was so easy.  Why, there’s a pleasure in it!  Try it, Pauline! try it on me!’

“‘Oh-ooh!’ was all Miss Ringtop could utter.

“‘Abel!  Abel!’ exclaimed Hollins, ‘the beer has got into your head.’

“‘No, it isn’t Beer,—­it’s Candor!’ said Abel.  ’It’s your own proposal, Hollins.  Suppose it’s evil to swear:  isn’t it better I should express it, and be done with it, than keep it bottled up, to ferment in my mind?  Oh, you’re a precious, consistent old humbug, you are!’

“And therewith he jumped off the stoop, and went dancing awkwardly down towards the water, singing in a most unmelodious voice, ’’Tis home where’er the heart is.’ ...

“We had an unusually silent breakfast the next morning.  Abel scarcely spoke, which the others attributed to a natural feeling of shame, after his display of the previous evening.  Hollins and Shelldrake discussed Temperance, with a special view to his edification, and Miss Ringtop favored us with several quotations about ’the maddening bowl,’—­but he paid no attention to them....

“The forenoon was overcast, with frequent showers.  Each one occupied his or her room until dinner-time, when we met again with something of the old geniality.  There was an evident effort to restore our former flow of good feeling.  Abel’s experience with the beer was freely discussed.  He insisted strongly that he had not been laboring under its effects, and proposed a mutual test.  He, Shelldrake, and Hollins were to drink it in equal measures, and compare observations as to their physical sensations.  The others agreed,—­quite willingly, I thought,—­but I refused....

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Humorous Masterpieces from American Literature from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.