So, while I sport the usual iron crosses,
    No feats of valour pinned them on my breast,
  But writing up the sanguinary losses
    Inflicted by our genius in the West. 
  The punctual theme of my Imperial boss is
    “Turn on a victory!” and I do the rest.

  To praise each spasm of ruthlessness that passes
    Down cringing HOLLWEG’S compromising spine,
  Boost the pretensions of the ruling classes
    And hail the Hohenzollerns as divine,
  And never hesitate to tell the masses
    They are and will continue to be swine:—­

  These are my task.  And there are compensations
    About the job that field-grey heroes lack. 
  Although, e.g., there is a dearth of rations,
    I’m not the one that goes without his whack;
  Nor do the bayonets of inferior nations
    Send nervous chills down my retreating back.

  Yet sometimes in the small and early watches
    I think, “Good Lord! suppose the U-boats fail! 
  Or our Colossus of the purple blotches
    Should let the Allies get him by the tail! 
  Suppose this war is one of Deutschland’s botches,
    And Right, not Might, should happen to prevail!”

  There’d be a revolution; nought could stop it. 
    Not that I’d weep if WILHELM had to go;
  But what if Holy Junkerdom should cop it? 
    That would be most unfortunate—­and, oh! 
  Supposing Count REVENTLOW had to hop it,
    Kultur would never rally from the blow.

ALGOL.

* * * * *

ROYAL ACADEMY DEPRESSIONS.—­II.

[Illustration:  “COME ALONG, YOU LITTLE IMP!  I’LL LEARN YOU TO MAKE FUN OF MY TROUSERS.”]

[Illustration:  THE ETERNAL FEMININE.

“THAT’LL DO; DON’T TROUBLE ABOUT YOUR HAIR—­WE’RE NOT LIKELY TO MEET ANYONE.”

“OH, I CAN’T GO LIKE THIS; ONE NEVER KNOWS WHEN A SUBMARINE MAY BOB UP.”]

[Illustration:  THE FOOD SHORTAGE.  ARRIVAL OF THE MINT-SAUCE BOAT.]

[Illustration:  Figure on the Seat. “HE CALLS THIS ’THE GARDEN OF MEMORIES,’ BUT HE NEARLY FORGOT ME.”]

[Illustration:  UNHAPPY RESULT OF A TOO GENEROUS FRUIT DIET.]

[Illustration:  NATIONAL ECONOMY.

“NOW THEN, MY LADS, KEEP YOUR HEADS DOWN OR WE’LL HAVE THE FRAME CONTROLLER AFTER US.”]

* * * * *

[Illustration:  Second-Lieutenant Spooner (unnerved by presence of a General inspecting).  “THE COMPANY WILL MOVE TO THE FIGHT IN ROARS.  FORM—­ROARS!  FIGHT!”]

* * * * *

ZERO.

("Zero-hour”—­commonly known as “Zero"—­is the hour fixed for the opening of an Infantry attack.)

  I woke at dawn and flung the window wide. 
    Behind the hedge the lazy river ran;
  The dusky barges idled down the tide;
    In the laburnum-tree the birds began;
  And it was May and half the world in flower;
    I saw the sun creep over an Eastward brow,
  And thought, “It may be, this is Zero-hour;
    Somewhere the lads are ‘going over’ now.”