GULLIBLE OLD GENTLEMAN—­“Bless my soul!  Don’t it trouble you?”

UNABLE SEAMAN—­“I don’t feel no particular pain from it, but I do get most uncommonly thirsty at times, sir.”

See also Drunkards; Temperance.

DRUNKARDS

The Lord Mayor of London had been dining pretty well, and Mr. Choate, Ambassador to England, was seeing his Lordship to the door.

“Now, your Lordship, if you will allow me to advise you,” said Mr. Choate, “when you get to the sidewalk curb you will see two hansoms.  Take the one to the right:  the one to the left doesn’t exist.”

An intoxicated man hailed a cab.

After he had climbed in, the cabby leaned over and asked, “What street do you want?”

“What streets have you?” he inquired.

“Lots of ’em,” smiled the cabby, humoring him.

“Gimme ’em all,” he said, waving his arm grandly.

After they had been driving for several hours, the man in the cab ordered a stop.

“How mush do I owe you?”

“Seven dollars and fifty cents.”

“Well—­you better drive back till you get to thirty-fi’ shents, ’cause thashall I got.”

WIFEY—­“I heard a noise when you came in last night.”

HUBBY—­“Perhaps it was the night falling.”

WIFEY (coldly)—­“No, it wasn’t, it was the day breaking.”

DUTCH

BIX—­“I see there’s a report from Holland that concrete bases for
German cannon have been found there.”

DIX—­“Don’t believe a word you hear from Holland.  The geography says it is a low, lying country.”

DYSPEPSIA

Joy of Eating

A well-known banker in a down-town restaurant was eating mush and milk.

“What’s the matter?” inquired a friend.

“Got dyspepsia.”

“Don’t you enjoy your meals?”

“Enjoy my meals?” snorted the indignant dyspeptic.  “My meals are merely guide-posts to take medicine before or after.”

“Dyspepsia seldom kills anyone,” said Akinside, “but—­”

“No,” returned old Festus Pester.  “It makes them so talkative that everybody else wants to kill them.”

EATING

If We Didn’t Have To Eat

Life would be an easy matter
If we didn’t have to eat. 
If we never had to utter,
“Won’t you pass the bread and butter,
Likewise push along that platter
Full of meat?”
Yes, if food were obsolete
Life would be a jolly treat,
If we didn’t—­shine or shower,
Old or young, ’bout every hour—­
Have to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat—­
’Twould be jolly if we didn’t have to eat. 
We could save a lot of money
If we didn’t have to eat. 
Could we cease our busy buying,